This family ROCKS! Stephen, Maci, Jacob, John and I, June 2011

Over the prairie and through the snow, to Gramma’s house we go! Last time we saw him, Thanksgiving, 2011

Shelter In The Storm

by Wendy Kleker

“I would have lost heart unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

Wait on the Lord. Be of good courage and He will strengthen your heart. Hope I say on the Lord.” Ps. 27:13-14

With many stumbles, falls and complete tumbles, I have tried to follow Jesus all my life. But not until He brought a storm, a tornado that twisted my world and threw me flat on my back, did I realize the height and depth of His great love and how I need to run to Him. Many years later He brought another dark terrible storm to my life that taught me just how high He holds me and how He is a shelter in the mighty storm.

“I would have lost heart”–exactly! My life many times over! I would have despaired if I had not believed I WOULD see, not AM seeing, not understanding, not knowing the answers, but believed I would some day see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living; not the dying, but the living, thriving, growing land of my life.

Twenty six years ago, when I lost my husband, my son’s father, I learned all about that secret place, the shelter under the wings of the Most High God. I found His love for me. In my heart I knew that His great love is never-ending and deeper than the deepest sea. I discovered His presence which is always with me and I learned that being in His house, dwelling close to His side was the safest place to be. I knew it but I didn’t always do it. I did not always stay there, close to His side.

“He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High, shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress. My God in Him I will trust.” Ps. 91:1-2

For 23 years God has led John and me down a road fraught with many trials and hard times, that taught us much. Also many wonderful blessings and adventures have brightened the way. Over three years ago, He brought the fiercest, darkest storm ever to come to our lives

March 12, 2012, when I heard the horrible words over the phone that my son was gone from this world, I literally fell to the floor with no strength in my legs. All I could do was whisper , “Help me Jesus!” over and over.

I had one thought in my mind. “God has a reason for this. He will grow me, He will teach me, He will be with me. He will use it for His glory.”

Can you believe such a thing? That I would think that in the worst moment of my life. I hardly believe it myself, and yet when I heard the words that rocked my world, even though my knees buckled, even though severe pain squeezed the breath from my lungs, I ran to Jesus. I believed in His goodness, in His light, even during the darkest night of my life.

Jesus was there. “I am with you.” He whispered into my heart, “I am here.”

Many times in the difficult days to follow, when I would be overcome by grief and sorrow, I heard these words. “I am with you. I am right here beside you. Lean on Me.”

For you see through former trials I had learned to live, to dwell in the secret place of the Most High God. He hid me in the place of shelter like only He can provide, Under His wings, in His shadow, close to His side. I was held firmly in His righteous right hand. In my life He had proved Himself trustworthy. So trust Him I would do.

He prepared me. Just a week before we lost Stephen, God reminded me about praise. One day on my walk in our hills, He spoke to my heart. At that time, I wrote an article for my blog and this is part of what I said:

“Sing and make melody in your heart to the Lord, giving thanks always for all things to God the Father.”  Eph. 5:20  “Be joyful always.  Pray continually.  Give thanks in ALL circumstances for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thes. 5:16-17

            IN all things.  FOR all things.  With joyfulness we are to give thanks. Even when we don’t feel thankful or feel like rejoicing.  It is an act of obedience, our sacrifice of thanksgiving.  God does not ask us to feel. Only to do.

            When we thank Him for something undesirable, we surrender completely to His will.  We lay our lives totally in His hands and say, “Whatever You do is okay.  I trust You.”  This opens the door for the peace that surpasses all understanding, thus allowing contentment to flow into our lives and for His love to begin a work of healing in our hearts. 

            I know this from my past, but now I see something else. As I stand on my mini-mountain top, arms spread wide, turning slowly in circles, taking in the gorgeous scene around me, scales are indeed peeled from my eyes and I see His glory. I see His beauty in the golden hills and the pink sky and I feel His love like the wind in my face.

            Thanksgiving is the gate to His courts.  With thanksgiving and praise I enter into His presence. I see His face. I was created to praise my Creator.  And praise Him I will! Every minute of every day, in any circumstance, I will breathe thanksgiving to my God. 

Little did I then know that thanksgiving would become my lifeline and my very survival kit. For many times after Stephen’s death, when grief knocked me flat, literally to my knees and I didn’t think I could go on with this life, I would whisper, “Thank you Jesus, Thank you Jesus.” Seems strange, I know but when I did this, peace always flowed into my heart and my breathing would go from gasping to even breaths. Strength would fill my body so I could stand once again and take another step.

“Thank You Jesus.” Are not magic words, but I believe that praise, from my lips to my God, opens the door to His presence. He is always there, but with praise I can feel him lifting me and upholding me with His righteous right hand.   (Is. 41:10)

One thing I learned, grief comes in waves. Like a big wave on the sea, rolling in, overwhelming, covering, even rolling and tumbling me. Then it moves out. I learned I had to ride the waves, and I rode them on thanksgiving.

The authorities called my son’s death a suicide. I should explain that two years earlier he and his wife were divorced. This devastated him and he told me at the time that he needed to get back to God.  He had accepted Jesus as his Savior on my knee at age 5 and was baptized at 9 confirming his conversion, but he was not committed to Christ in his adult life.  After his divorce he did recommit his life to God, but then he met a girl and began to drink and party with her. Which started a downward spiral, that he was trying to climb out of. Several months before his death, he broke up with his girl friend.

That night, he had an argument with his ex-girlfriend and having been upset by something she told him, he drank all night.   He was highly intoxicated and past experience showed that he was very intolerant to hard alcohol intake. According to his close friend, when Stephen drank heavily a few times in high school, it was as if his brain had switched off, yet his body continued to act on auto pilot, doing things he would never have normally done. I believe in his right mind, my son would never have taken his own life, leaving his two children fatherless, as he had been. In fact he had said he never wanted to leave them without a father. He had plans to get back together with his wife and try to make their marriage work. However, the evidence shows the gun shot was self-inflicted. He loved his hand guns and would handle them often. I believe in his intoxicated state he didn’t know what he was doing. I don’t believe he intentionally planned and executed his death.

I struggled for many weeks with questions of why and how and what were the circumstances. I wanted answers. I wanted to know what really happened and how come. I asked questions, I talked to his ex-girlfriend, I talked to his friends and his wife. No one knew the answers.

My mind was bombarded with scenarios, questions, suppositions day and night. I fought guilt. Was there anything I could have done? Was there something in his growing up years that I could have done different to avoid this? And so on. I could hardly sleep. I became a prisoner to my thoughts. I was chained by guilt. I was whipped by imaginations, by suspicions, by mental images. I was beaten by what-ifs and trampled by fear and horror. Fear of the future, fear for my grand kids, fear for my husband seemed to flood all else out. I really believe “I would have lost heart” and my mind if I would have continued in this way.

I cried out to Jesus, telling Him I needed His help or I would surely die. He answered me in a mighty way.

A few days later, when I was sitting on one of my hills and singing, a way I had of battling the thoughts, I had an encounter with the Prince of Peace. And He brought with Him my son.

It was fall and the day was chilly with a bit of a wind and the sun was behind a thin cloud cover. As I sat singing, a bright glow suddenly shone behind my closed eyes and I felt suddenly warm. I felt the presence of Jesus. Not the nudging of the Holy Spirit, not a still small voice in my mind, but the mighty, glorious, vibrant presence of my Savior and Lord.

Then coming from a distance and getting nearer I perceived another presence that I recognized immediately as my son. He called my name in the breathless way he had, “Mom!” I answered him, “Stephen”. I am not sure if I said it out loud or just in my mind.

He came close and I reached out my hand as if I could touch him. Nothing I heard or saw was with my eyes or ears. What I heard were thoughts in my mind or perceptions flowing into my being. Also in my mind I saw my son. He stood straight and tall with a big smile on his face that shone with great love and peace. He wore a robe of pure white, yet shimmering with many colors, flowing like a water fall.

Emanating off my son was great peace, peace that spoke of quiet waters, unspeakable joy, and sweet love.  These seemed to flow, like his robe, from his heart to mine. Most of all I felt his confidence. Not confidence in himself, which is what I first thought, but great confidence in his Lord.

This is what Stephen said to me, his words still echo in my mind. “Its okay, Mom. Trust in God, He will take care of you and the kids. Just trust. It doesn’t matter what happened that night, or why. I am at peace. I am filled and surrounded with great love. God is in control. He has a reason, He takes care of all things. Just let it go.”   I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is with Jesus in Glory Land and everything is indeed ok with him.

I started to feel other beings close by. I’m not sure if they were saints or angels, but it seemed they surrounded me. I heard my overly protective Border Collie, Happy whining and opened my eyes. He was standing and looking behind me, moving his head back and forth, very intently scanning the area.

I closed my eyes and saw the bright glow once again. I told my son I loved him and that I wasn’t angry with him. I’m not sure why I said that since I had not even thought about being angry, but it just came out of my mouth.

Then I heard Happy growling, and snarling like he did when he perceived danger. Opening my eyes, I saw he was facing forward and staring right in front of me. He barked loudly and growled. Doti, my English Setter, leaned against me with hackles up and her tail slowly wagged.   I knew they were seeing or sensing something was there. Later when I would doubt the experience, and think it was a figment of my imagination, I remembered the dogs’ reaction and I knew it was true.

The glow faded, the presence of my son and Jesus and the others moved away. I opened my eyes and the world seemed dull indeed. I realized I had been sitting there for 45 minutes!

What a gift God gave me! To know that my son is with God in Glory. To know and feel the great peace and joy he now has. I can do nothing more than praise Him! And to feel joy that my son is at peace. How could I ever wish him back. Yes I miss him. I miss strong arms giving me a hug and hearing that breathless, “Mom” but I can’t explain the joy that it brings to know he is in glory.

After that day, the tormenting thoughts and questions, the turmoil and darkness were mostly gone. In its place I had peace and joy.   I knew I needed to trust my God. He would take care of everything. “Just let it go”, resonated in my heart. I remembered that He is trustworthy.

Later Satan tried to sneak those thoughts back into my mind, and one day when on a walk, I was struggling again and I cried, “God, I thought I had victory! Why am I doing this?”

God gave me two words, “No Retreat!”

So I marched across the field, pumping my fist in the air yelling, “No Retreat! No Surrender! No RETREAT!” God indeed gave me Victory over my enemies, but I need to stand firm against the Devil’s arrows. I determined I would not give up ground gained. I would send Satan packing. So many times when the thoughts, questions and images would sneak back, I would yell, “No Retreat! No surrender! I will NOT give up ground gained!”

As you can see, God didn’t just hide me away in His secret place. He did that, but He also set me on a Rock. He set me high upon a Rock above my enemies. High above despair, terror, heaviness, confusion and utter darkness.   He gave me weapons to fight my battle. He fought the battle with me and He had victory.

This doesn’t mean that grief ended. Oh no, pain still was there. Even now three and a half years later, I feel emptiness where my son was. I know he is in Heaven. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, I know he walks with Jesus and talks with his dad and many family members. This, a great gift from God, is a certainty that keeps me smiling.

Oh yes the pain still comes at times, but my heart is healing with the care of the great Healer. Time doesn’t heal, time dulls. Only God can heal a heart surrendered to Him.

He puts in my heart supernatural joy. Not joy as the world and things of the world give, but joy in spite of the pain. Joy even when the climb is tough. Joy when the wind blows me off my feet. That’s God’s joy!

Joy in times of loss and pain is not natural. We don’t naturally feel joy in times of great hardship. God’s joy is supernatural. A joy in spite of grief and pain, in spite of loss, in spite of heartbreak.

A protected place in the middle of the raging storm. A Chinook, snow-eater, wind in the deep freeze of winter. A ray of sunshine breaking free of dark stormy clouds. This is His Secret Place. This is God’s joy.

“And now my head will be lifted up above my enemies. Therefore I will offer the sacrifice of joy in His presence. I will sing! Yes I will sing praise to my God!” Ps. 27:6

He is teaching me to trust. He has shown Himself to be trustworthy. Some things seem all wrong and harsh indeed, but that is when I need to trust Him the most. Trusting Him no matter what, brings peace beyond understanding. I don’t understand it, but I believe He always works for my good. Every time.

I have no trouble leaning on Him in hard times. I can give Him my big problems, but, He is teaching me to trust Him in the little things, to run to Him with my every day problems and concerns. Little concerns such as a bump in my marriage or a wrinkle in my relationship with a friend. Nagging fears and stress, like when I travel or when John is late or when I don’t hear from my Granddaughter for a long time.

He has shown me not to worry. Worry is a joy robber and a peace stomper. Worry causes anxiety. Anxiety takes my eyes off His face. Off His glorious loving face and on to my circumstances. I don’t have to worry. I don’t need to fret. I shouldn’t gnaw on a thing like a dog chewing a bone.

What I need to do is pour out my heart to my God. Give Him my questions, my heartaches, my worries, even the tiniest concerns. Lay them at His feet. EVERY time I start to worry I need to give it to Him. Over and over put it into His hands, every day, many times a day, every single time I begin to gnaw. Give it to Him.

Sing praises to our God. It might be the last thing I feel like doing, but that’s a sacrifice of joy. If I feel stressed, worried or frustrated the best thing for me to do is to put on a CD. It’s pretty hard to stay frustrated when I’m singing with the Statler Brothers (my favorite).

Thank Him and praise Him. My sacrifice of joy comes by praising Him and thanking Him, especially when I do not feel joyful.

Run to Him when the great storm is coming. Run to him when you see the black clouds rolling in and the winds blast across the prairies. Run to Him when small flurries come and the summer showers sprinkle the ground. Walk with Him when the warm spring winds blow and the prairie is littered with wild flowers. Hide under His wings and find shelter when the blizzard rages across the plains. Praise Him at all times. Praise is the door to His tabernacle, His presence. Peace comes. Contentment Rules. Supernatural joy overflows.

Refuse to worry. Give it to Him every time you worry. No retreat! No surrender! Do not give up ground gained!

He alone is my strength. He alone is my hope. On Him, I wait expectantly. Not only do I hope in Him, I lean on Him.   He is my light. He is my joy. He is my song. He is the ray of sunshine in the darkness. In the mighty storm, He is my shelter. ( from Ps. 27)

We started with Ps. 27:13-14, The Amplified says it this way: “What, WHAT would have become of me had I not believed that I would see the Lord’s goodness in the land of the living! Wait and hope for and EXPECT the Lord. Be brave and of good courage and let your heart be stout and enduring. Yes wait for and hope for and expect the Lord.”

“Blessed is the man who makes the Most High God his trust.” from Ps. 40:4