WHAT DO I WANT?

“I love You, O Lord, my Strength.

The Lord is my Rock, my Fortress and my Deliverer. My God is my Rock in whom I take refuge. He is my Shield and the horn of my salvation, my Stronghold. I call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise and I am saved.” Psalms 18:1-3

In my teens a long, long time ago, possibly millions and millions of years, I wanted nothing more than to stay a child. No, I didn’t want to be cool, or to fit in with the popular group, nothing like that; I wanted to stay young and carefree. I did not want to grow up. I only wanted to play with my best friends, two sisters who mostly wanted the same thing. Oh once in awhile we had this yearning deep inside to—to–do what? We weren’t sure. Try on the world, maybe. So we set out to get drunk on fermented apple cider. This after tasting their older brother’s homemade beer and thinking it was pretty good. I am sure the apple cider idea came from him and no, we didn’t get drunk only sick.

For the most part, we only wanted to pedal our bikes up and down the Talkeetna spur highway to the swimming holes and the creeks to catch the salmon during the run or to the berry patches. Or to ride horses in the power line or down the few side roads, for you see in Alaska there’s no riding or hiking cross country unless you first hack a trail through the brush. We gleefully spun our way over the snow on my Skidoo snow machine, two standing on back of the freight sled that was like a dog sled, laughing giggling and singing. Oh we loved singing in the crisp, sometimes very cold, winter air while we skimmed over the sparkly snow. Sometimes we sang songs we learned in youth group; sometimes they were songs we made up. Like to the tune of Delta Dawn, “Wendy Lynn, what’s that flower by your chin? Could it be a faded fireweed from days gone by? And did I hear you say Jim was a meeting you here today, to take you to his cabin by the lake.”

Once we picked and ate frozen, we hoped, fermented high bush cranberries that were clinging tenaciously to the bushes and thought we got tipsy. Now that I am old and wise, I think we were only drunk on silliness.

No, we three “Ice Girls” didn’t want to grow up, yet knew we would regardless so we threw ourselves with abandon into being just kids and having the most fun we could in the backwoods of Alaska. Such as racing our horses in a thunder storm or hanging by our toes in a huge windrow brush pile to reach hidden raspberries, or camping under the stars only to get rained upon and soaking wet. I learned in Alaska you don’t camp without a tent.

Once in awhile, however, we became restless, thought maybe we might want to some day find a good man, get married, maybe be a mom. Being pure craziness, those thoughts did not last long.

When seventeen loomed I fought adding another year to my life with all I had. Sixteen was plenty old enough but at seventeen, I might have some grown-up responsibilities and decisions and soon childhood would fly away.

Then I met Jim Sakaguchi. Big smile, gentle brown eyes, round laughing face. All thoughts of forever staying a kid vanished, much to my two friend’s dismay. After months of getting to know him by running a trapline with my dad and him, I began to have visions of walking through life side by side with this man, for no boy was he at age twenty three.

So now all of a sudden I wanted to grow up, learn to cook, much to my mom’s amazement, grocery shop and run a household. I wanted nothing more than to make Jim a loving wife in the wilds of Alaska. You can guess the rest; he swept me off my feet and took me to his cabin by the lake. I grew leaps and bounds away from my two best friends and even though we stayed in touch and spent much time together for many years, it was never the same.

Jim and me our wedding Oct 4, 1974 At Chulitna River Lodge. A story in itself

For you see I wanted nothing more than to spend time with my new best friend, my Jim. We were foot loose and made our home anywhere we happened to be, the cabin on Ermine Lake, a pup tent in a rainy campground, a small camping trailer, a singlewide trailer in Talkeetna, then Colorado and finally Montana. With adventures all along the way where my desires changed from wanting a cozy twosome to desiring a child. Thus, Stephen came along in 1978, born in Palmer Alaska, four years after we were married. From dreaming of a new log house, to just wanting a happy safe home in our trailer on the mountain in Plains Montana.

Life. Funny how it changes, like a mountain river bending, turning, running smooth, then roiling, boiling over rocks and tumbling, falling, crashing. Funny how I can’t tell you what I want now without telling you what I wanted then. That’s because you can’t separate the waters of the past from the waters of the here and now, the river all flows together.

Back in my 30’s with a young son now in school, I wanted to be strong in body, physically fit, able to climb mountains and hunt all day long. Then get up the next morning and do it all again. I wanted to hear the bugle of a bull elk ringing on the clear crisp morning air. I wanted to smell the fir trees and the cedar as I sat in the grass on a mountain side. I wanted to crawl through the brush with the soft tones of cow elk talking in my ears. I wanted to gaze into the eyes of a spike bull and watch with heart-pounding, bated breath as a monster bull elk silently stalked closer and closer.

I wanted to watch the stars come out and the moon rise from a ridge top and the sun peek over the mountains in the silence of dawn. I wanted to hunker down in the cold predawn and listen to the silent forest come alive as light pushed back the darkness.

I wanted to shoot a buck every year and have elk meat in the freezer. I wanted to get one bull that was not a raghorn. Just one big bull in my life time.

I wanted to teach my son to hunt and sneak up on the long-eared deer so close we could almost touch them. I wanted to hunt all day with my husband, build a fire in the snow and fall asleep beside it after eating lunch.

I wanted to teach my son about Jesus being his Savior, his friend and his life guide. I wanted to enjoy my friends and love my husband and help my son experience the best of life.

The first time my life plummeted over a waterfall, I dove headfirst into a deep, dark pool that had no bottom and no light. Half my heart was ripped away when I lost my Jim. I was left in the darkness, gasping for breath, for joy, for life. I pretty much wanted to die, but had to live for my son. I wanted nothing more than my husband by my side, and was lost wondering in the wilderness when he was not.

Then God made His glorious presence known to me. I became aware in a real way of not only a Father figure to serve, but of a loving Best Friend who walked beside me all the time. Jesus showed me Himself and His amazing, unending love. For me!

Then all I wanted was to love Him. To stay close to Him and to serve Him. I wanted Jesus pure and simple. Nothing more. Nothing less. However, God desired for me a bit more. He brought me out of the wilderness into the Promised Land. He blessed me with a new life by giving me a new husband. A beautiful, loving man, John Kleker who didn’t give up when friendship was all I would accept.

Life smoothed out then with a few bumps and bangs over the rapids that came now and again and I wanted nothing more than to experience to the fullest this new life God had given me with my husband and my son. We weren’t footloose but I found John to be a bit nomadic and an adventurer so I followed him from one adventure to another where ever he went. From Plains to a ranch in Trego, to working on a big ranch near Livingston, to working and going to diesel mechanic school in Havre, to Chinook and finally to Sentinel Butte, North Dakota. Don’t never say never! North Dakota was one place I never wanted to live! Now I don’t ever want to leave.

The next time life plunged over a waterfall I tumbled and crashed and bounced off rocks to land battered and beaten far, far below. That’s when I lost my son.

I wanted to go to Glory then, but God showed me His brilliant Presence. Jesus Christ shining white and bright stood beside me and held me in His hands. I wanted then only to praise Him and thank Him, for even though the way was hard, filled with grief and much pain, I found the Solid Rock.

I found refuge under His wings. I learned that no matter what happens that Rock doesn’t move. No matter how bad the storm rages, His wings cover me and He holds me up with His righteous right hand.

He is my shelter, my high tower, my fortress. I want nothing more than to trust Him with all of my being, no matter what may come, for my every need. To lay my burdens at His feet, to take His hand, to gaze into His eyes and feel His peace and be filled with His indescribable joy. Every day I want to bask in His Glorious presence and to smile at the sound of His name. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus.

I also want to love my husband beyond all human capability and to shower him with affection and respect. I want to teach my Grandkids to love God, to follow God no matter the cost and to find His presence in their lives at all times. I want to ride a horse when I’m 79. (if I’m still on earth) I want to spoil my dog and have her near me all the time; I want to spend time with my friends and always be there when they have a need. I want to give back to my church family and my friends the love, acceptance and support they have given me.

I want to fly! I’m looking forward to a Glorious Heaven and I can’t wait to see my son and other loved ones who have begun their lives in Eternity.

I want beyond all else to see my Redeemer’s face and touch his nail torn hands.

He is my Rock! I want nothing more than to stand on the Rock forever and ever!

“One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek Him in His temple. For in the day of trouble He will keep me safe in His dwelling. He will hide me in the shelter of His tabernacle and set me high upon a rock.” Psalms 27:4-5