Winter garden

After my son’s death in March 2012, I felt as if I was in a war.  In the Series THE WAR I am taking you back to the many battles and conflicts I had in the months since then.  

MY BATTLE PLAN

Choose to Praise

“I will praise You, O Lord, with my whole heart, I will tell of your marvelous works I will be glad and rejoice in You.  I will sing praise to your name, O Most High.” Ps. 9:1-2

            I will sing praises to Him when to sing is the hardest thing of all.

            Praise is not always on my lips.  A song is not always in my heart, but I choose to praise Him at all times, through any situation even when my life is dark indeed.  Praise raises the blinds and lets in the light.  Praise opens the door to His Glory.  Praise lifts my face to the warmth of His love.  Praise opens my heart to His presence. 

            Like a shuttered window keeping the bright sunlight from flooding the room, is my heavy heart when the despair of grief presses down.  Praise opens the shutters and lets the light of God’s glorious presence, the warmth of His love and comfort burst upon the very darkness of my heart

            Oh, there are times when I don’t feel like praising.  There are times when the pain strikes that all I can do is whisper “thank You, Jesus”, or all I can say is, “Praise You God”. But that is enough.  My sacrifice of praise I bring before my God when the day is the darkest, my heart is the heaviest, and when praising is the hardest.

            God indwells my praises.  His love bursts upon my pounding heart and my anguish is quieted.  My pain eases. I feel His comfort, His presence surrounding me like a garment.  I can explain it no other way.  His light floods my soul, the darkness is gone, the heaviness is lifted.

            As I praise His name, His Glory surrounds me.  Most High is there.  He is enough.  Joy comes.

“Praise the Lord, O my soul!  While I live, I will praise the Lord.  I will sing praises to my God while I have my being.”  Ps. 146:1-2

Choose Joy

            Evil. Horror.  Dread. Fear. Confusion. Darkness.  These things I felt and sensed when I thought about my son’s death.  For months after my 33 year old son, father of two, went to Heaven my mind was filled with questions and turmoil.  

            I knew I needed to face the way he died, but there was darkness and evil there and I did not want to visit that.  Authorities called it suicide.  Self inflicted gunshot.  Suicide is such an ugly word. It implies premeditated, planning to end one’s life.  Self inflicted I can accept, but planning to end his life thinking it out, deciding life was too hard, there was no other way, this I have a hard time seeing with my son.

            Stephen had plans with his kids and was planning on working things out with Julie, his ex-wife.  He seemed happy with his job as a building foreman.  I was told by one of his co-workers that he was very well liked and many of them wanted to be on his crew. There was no note, no indication of deep depression or signs of being suicidal.  How could I, his mother, not know, not feel that he was hurting that badly?  I can not accept that he planned and intended on taking his life.  He loved his kids too much for that. We don’t really know what happened that night. He was highly intoxicated and I don’t believe he knew what he was doing or maybe it was a careless accident as he was fooling with his guns.

            The why’s and how’s pounded in my mind and I was driven to find answers. My mind was filled with turmoil going over and over what friends thought happened that night.  Questions, images, darkness driving me crazy.  I wasn’t sleeping well, waking up at night with thoughts chasing through my head. 

            “God help me!” I cried one night, “I can’t take this!  I’m going to go crazy!”

“Child, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right whatever is pure, whatever is lovely whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about these things.” These words from Phil. 4:8 came to my mind and I knew what I needed to do.

            Not dwell on the darkness, but think of good things.  Go to the truth, that leads to the Light, which is God’s love. Let God’s truth and light flood my soul and take me to His presence who is my joy.  My exceeding joy.  In His presence is fullness of joy.

            I must accept that Stephen is gone from this life. I need to deal with his absence, move through the grief, placing everything in God’s hands, but not dwell on his death.  The darkness is a place I can not go.  In the deep black night is a place Satan would love me to be, but I will not let Satan have victory.  I will not stay there.  I will go to the light.  I will go to God’s truth.  I will praise.  I will sing.

            I will choose joy.  I will immerse myself in His is word.  I will focus on Him. I will seek His face. I will pour out my heart to Him.  I will lean on Him.  I will trust Him. I will hunker down under the shelter of His wings. I will stay no where else but with my God who is my exceeding joy.  “You, my God, will fill me with joy in your presence.” Ps. 17:

            The joy of the Lord is not always bubbly or giddy or even happy, but God’s joy is always there, steadfast and sure.  When trouble comes with loss and grief and even anguish of the heart God’s joy can stand against it all.  God’s joy flows right from His thrown to my heart. Joy in His love, which is never ending.  Joy in His mighty hands holding all things in place.  Joy in His light that pushes away the darkness.

            His joy enables me to take another step, to lift my head, to smile, to face another day with contentment and peace and yes even happiness. The waves of grief come.  The swells of pain flood my heart and threaten to drown me, but when the waves roll out again, the joy of the Lord is still there standing tall and strong, always steady and sure. 

            The joy of the Lord is my strength!  I choose joy!  

Choose To Run

“Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.  Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith who for the joy set before Him endured the cross.”  Heb. 12:1

            Run the race that is set before me.  Run to win.  Persevere.  Endure.  Finish well. Run with my head up my eyes on my Savior.  Not giving in to despair.  Oh I want to give up sometimes.  The grade is too steep. The way is too rocky, the trail is too rough. 

            I am so tired of fighting.  Tired of running.  Worn out from the struggle to keep running this race God has set before me.  If only I could drop out of the race.  It seems to stay in the grief and sadness is easier than the struggle to win the victory over darkness. 

            But no!  God’s light, God’s love will lead me to His mountain.  Not a dark hole, not weighed down by grief, and hopelessness, not bowed down by dark despair, not stumbling and falling down the mountain.  God will lift me up and carry me in His arms.  He puts me in a place I can stand.  A broad path.  Oh it may be steep and difficult, but God strengthens weak knees and lifts up my bowed head. 

            Push forward and persevere.  I will not be defeated. God turns my darkness into light.  With His help I can advance against an army and I will win.  With His help I can scale a sheer wall.  He is my shield and I take refuge in Him

            I lift up my hands and I praise my God.  The heaviness is lifted and I am ready to go on.  I am in the race.  I am equipped to run. He trains my hands for battle.  He arms me with strength and He makes my way perfect.  He makes my feet like the feet of the deer and enables me to run on the high place. He gives me the shield of victory. (from Ps. 18)

            I choose to praise.  I choose joy.  I choose light.  I choose truth.  I choose to run.  And I will win.

“You are a shield around me, O Lord.  You bestow glory on me and lift up my head.  To the Lord I cry aloud and He answers me from His holy hill. 

I lie down and sleep, I wake again because the Lord sustains me.  From the Lord comes deliverance.”  Ps. 3:3-5, 8

Read Psalms 18  Psalms 149