THE LIGHT OF THE LIVING
“Listen to my prayer O God, do not ignore my plea: hear me and answer me. My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught.” Ps. 55:1-2
Ps. 55—My heart is broken, shattered into a thousand pieces. Much like the plate that broke on my counter, splintering into hundreds of tiny shards of glass. “My heart is in anguish within me” Pain in my chest, suffocating heaviness squeezing my heart, sadness and sorrow overwhelming my spirit.
The terrors of death, my son’s death, something I thought I would never see, have fallen upon me. Fear and trembling have set upon me. Sometimes I am so afraid of what else might happen I feel I can hardly move. The horror overwhelms me if I let my mind dwell there.
Oh if I could just fly away on the wings of a dove, or a hawk, I would soar high into Heaven and be at rest with my Savior and my son. Or I would flee from the pain and never come back. Yes, I would run into the wilderness, into the vast mountains and be lost, or become swallowed up by the great prairies. Yes, if only I could run from this terrible storm, this great tempest of swirling winds blasting from every side, blowing against us so that we can barely stand. If only I could run away and find a place to hide from this violent whirlwind.
But I will not run, I will not flee, I will not hide in a hole. As for me I will call upon God, and He, my Lord and Savior will save me. All day long, whenever I am overwhelmed I will pray to Him and will cry out and He will save me. As he has done before many times.
I will cast my burdens on the Lord and He will keep me. He will carry me, He will hold me, He will never permit me to be moved from the place He sets me.
“My soul trusts in You, O Lord Most High. I choose to trust You even though I don’t understand. Whenever I am afraid I will trust in You. When confusion and darkness comes I will lean heavily on You. I choose to trust You now and forever. I will not be afraid.
“I know You love me. Your love for me has no ends, no boundaries, no conditions. You know about my pain. You see my tears. You have cried such tears for Your Son. You know my pain. You see my tears. You write them down, you keep them in a bottle, every one of them. You know my pain.
I will praise You! For you have delivered my soul from death and my feet from falling. That I may walk before You O God, in the light of the living. In You my God I have put my trust. I will not be afraid.”
From Ps. 55:4-8, 16, 17, 22 , 56:3-4, 8
THE SIGN
“You have shown Your people hard things; you have made us drink the wine of confusion. You have given a banner to those who fear you, that it may be displayed because of the truth. That Your beloved may be delivered. Save me Oh God with Your right hand.” Ps. 60:3-4
Hard things, no doubt. Confusion, definitely. Stumbling in the dark. Groping my way. So many questions. So sudden was the strike of death. It knocked me flat on the ground. Shaken to the core. The whole earth trembled as an earthquake.
“Help me God! Show me a sign. Show me it is okay. Let me know You are in control. Restore my world. Stop the shaking. Let Your peace flood my soul.”
A few days after I came home from Helena I walked out the back door. The sky was covered with gray clouds, but I looked up and right above my head was a big circle of blue sky. In that circle were two jet trails crossing making an X.
For some reason, I thought X marks the spot. Is that where Stephan is now? Then I heard God whisper in my soul. “He is here with me. I am holding him tight in my arms. He hurts no more. He is free.”
My spirits soared for a moment. I was happy to know my dear son was in the arms of Jesus. But, oh how I wanted to hold him just one more time and tell him once more that I love him. “Oh God, please tell him I love him.”
I saw the X move and become a +. The clouds moved in so the arms were shortened into a perfect cross high in the sky, where God had marked the spot. My breath caught in my throat as I waited silently for God to speak.
His soft familiar voce filled my mind, “I know your pain. I know how your heart is breaking for I too lost my Son. My heart also was broken, I know your pain.”
Tears flooded my eyes as I cried, “But God you got our Son back!”
“You will also, My child, you will have your son beside you in time, for all time.”
Praise God! Peace flooded my heart. God gave a sign. His banner was unfurled and flown above my head. The truth was spoken. My son is forever with Him safe and secure. It says in Ps.116:15 “Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints.”
It IS okay. God is holding all of us, Maci, Jacob, Julie, John, me, and even Stephen in His mighty hands. He will fight for us and He will win. Through God we will do valiantly, for it is He who will take care of our troubles. (from Ps. 60:12)
“For my soul trusts in You and in the shadow of Your wings I will take shelter. I choose to trust and to rest in You until these calamities have passed by. And pass they will. The storm always ends. The sun bursts forth. The rainbow of promise spreads across the sky. You God will fulfill Your purpose in my life.” (from Ps. 57:1-2)
“But as for me, I trust You, O Lord. You are my God, my life is in Your hands.” Ps 31:14-15
From Ps. 60
Prairie Wind 
I am so sorry about your son. My thoughts are with you both.
Hi Mourning Mom, I did look at your blog and I am so sory for your Double Loss. I can not imagine losing two children. Take comfort that your babies are indeed in the arms of Jesus and will grow up in a beautiful wonderful place called Heaven. If you have not read it the book, “Heaven is For Real” by Todd Burpo is very good. I mentioned it in a former blog, The Morning Star. It’s about a boy who actually went to Heaven and came back to tell what it was like there. he was only 4 when telling the story and most of what he said was in line with the Bible. It is incredible and credible both since he could not have understood or known most of what he talked about. I think it would bring you comfort to know something of the place your children and my grown son is at now. I can only tell you to lean on Jesus and pour out your heart to God. He brings healing. I lost my husband, my son’s father, 23 years ago (On April 8th) and I know first hand about the heart healing that God can give. He gave me a knew life and a new husband. So now I don’t hesitate to turn to Him for solace in my grief. I won’t be getting a new son, and I had only one child, but I do have two beautiful grandkids (pictured above) and an adopted son (unoficial) who grew up with us and his two children. Just recently we were reconected with this young man and now are staying in touch. God knew what we would need! He is good! Praise Him! Please continue to read my blogs as I will yours. Thanks for sharing. Wendy
Again, Wendy, you made me say,”WOW!”. Thank you.
Hi Wendy,
Three weeks ago we lost our 26 year old son to a tragic automobile accident. I just finished the book Heaven is for Real, which gives such a wonderful glimpse of what Heaven may be like. I am looking for more to read so Jim Kleker, a friend of ours who attended our son’s life celebration service along with his wife Michelle, referred me to your site. I know Devin is in Heaven, yet my earthly mother’s heart is so broken. I find the pain and tears flow much more freely at night and in the morning hours. I still can’t believe he is gone. I so wish I could take his place. I don’t even know the details of his accident yet as it is still being investigated. I am so torn as to what to do. I ask God continually for comfort, and I do receive it. I hope for a sign, anything, that Devin is with Him. I believe he is, but how can I be sure? At his services, a friend of his told us that he witnessed to her about his faith a month before his death. My heart leapt for joy and about exploded out of my head! I don’t know what I need, I don’t know what I’m looking for. I feel my faith is stronger than ever, and I have witnessed to so many people since Devin died. I know his mission on this earth was completed, whatever that might have been. I wonder what mine is and what I should be doing. We all work together at our restaurant (my husband, daughter, Devin and me) so getting back to work helps; but he is never out of my mind. He is the first thing that pops into my mind in the morning and I go to sleep thinking about him. I just miss him so much. Thank you for your blog, I am hoping to get more comfort and strength as I read more. God bless you.
Hi Cheryl,
I am so sorry about your son. I know what you mean when you say your earthly mother’s heart is broken. Broken and torn apart, right? Part of you, a part of your heart or a limb ripped off, right? I know the feeling. And I know the feeling of searching and not knowing what to do. I had that for the first few weeks. I am pretty sure I was searching for my son, waiting for a phone call, hoping to hear his voice, see his face anything. The tears do come more at night and in the morning, you are right and for me when I’m alone, like when I’m walking with my dogs. I am so glad your son was following God and you have that assurance that he is indeed with Jesus right now. You asked how do I know this? You can know it because the Bible says “to be absent from the body is to be with the Lord.” I’m not sure where that is found, but Paul spoke it. Your son beleived in Jesus and he is now with God, no questions. No doubts. Beleive it with your mind, say it, thank God for it and your heart will beleive it soon. Praising God is a huge step in healing. It helps you to accept the situation and as being from God, or allowed by God and frees God to work through it. Also as you read in my blog praising God for just being God and His awesomness makes you aware of His presence with you. When I’m feeling really down and sad about my son I praise HIm and thank Him. It does really help. God’s love does comfort. Lean on Jesus. Ask Him for comfort, for His loving arms to go around you and He will hold you. God can and will heal even a mother’s broken heart. I beleive this with all my being. I could go on and on here there is so much I could tell you, but I think I will email you. Thank you for your comment and I am praying for you. Love Wendy