TOO HEAVY TO FLY

by Wendy Kleker

Jesus WAS with me

Jesus IS with me

Jesus WILL BE with me!

In His strength, I will walk through all things.

I do not walk alone.

Today and forever and ever!

            Instead of clinging and controlling, I need to let go and let God.  Release.  Drop.  Unload. 

            I have a picture in my mind of a bird, a big white and gray hawk, struggling to carry a heavy weight, perhaps a fat prairie dog.  Flapping his wings wildly as he tries to gain elevation.  Fighting to fly.  Gaining some altitude then dropping.  Tipping this way, then that way trying to find the updraft.  Wings beating the air.  Striving upwards.  Losing altitude.   Determined to keep its catch.  Eyes intense, darting here and there searching for danger.  Sinking.  Flailing of wings.  Fighting the weight.  Trees approaching. 

            Talons open the prairie dog falls.  Wings beat.  Lifting.  Rising.  Ascending over the trees.  Gliding above the prairie.  Effortlessly soaring on the updraft.

                        What am I grasping, clinging to, trying to control?  My health, of course.  I shudder at the thought of being sick, weak, bedridden, hospitalized, in surgery.  I hate going to doctors, hate tests, hate decisions, hate sorting it all out, what actually needs to be done and what the doctors feel they have to tell you needs to be done. 

            I desire to be in my cozy, farmhouse home, wondering the prairie and hills, enjoying my dogs and loving my husband.  Visiting my kids is good and I don’t mind doing the jobs He would have me do. 

            I’ll follow you God, anywhere you want me to go. EXCEPT to the hospital!

            I’m like that hawk grasping my prize for dear life.  The catch.  What I think I need to survive.  What I want. 

            Lord help me to let go.  To soar on the Updraft.

            “Trust Me,” He says over and over.

            Does that mean I should not have medical tests and procedures done?  That I should just let You take care of  it? 

            “No, but give it to me,” comes the answer in a whisper.  “You once asked that I would take away the terrible pain in your heart and I said, ‘No, give it to Me so I can use it for My glory.’  And so you did.  Like you once gave me your hurting heart, your grief, your loneliness, now give me your physical problem that I may also use it for My glory.”

            In the silence that follows, as I sit holding my breath, comes, “Can you do this?”

            NO! NO!   I cry at first and like that flailing bird flapping its wings wildly I sink.  I loose altitude.  I am weighted down.  I’m going to crash. 

            “The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear?”

            Oh yeah I can fear all right.  Sickness, pain, weakness, surgery, hospitals.  You name it and I fear it.

            “The Lord is the strength of my life, of whom shall I be afraid.”  Ps. 27:1

            Once when I was destitute, when my heart was ripped apart, when I had fallen into a dark hole of despair and grief, I released it all into His hands.

            Did He take it away?  No, but these enemies, despair, loneliness, grief, that came against me to eat up my flesh, they stumbled and fell and God lifted me up.  Above my enemies, free, unencumbered, liberated.  Soaring above the trees.

            So though an army encamp around me, I shall not fear.  Though war arise against me, even in this I will be confident.  In my God, I will trust. 

            “Can you do this?”  God asks.

            Can I go through the war?  Can I face the great number of enemies surrounding me?  Can I give Him my health to do what He desires for His glory?

            Oh, God in Heaven, can I do this?

            “TrustMe.” Comes the answer.

“Wait on the Lord.  Be of good courage, and He will strengthen your heart.  Wait I say on the Lord.”  Ps. 27:14

Amplified Translation: “Wait and hope and expect the Lord to answer.  Be brave and of good courage.  Let your heart be stout and enduring.”

Wendy’s Translation:  Rest, rely, depend on the Lord.  Be brave and courageous and He will strengthen your heart so you can be stout and enduring.  Hope, I say, always on the Lord.”

Read Ps. 27

SOARING

For in the day of trouble He will keep me safe in His dwelling.  He will hide me in the shelter of His tabernacle and set me high upon a rock.  Ps. 27:5

            David faced great enemies.  Can you see it?  His king, his employer, his one-time friend, his best friend’s father, his mentor had turned on him, marching against him with thousands of men, striving to kill him, to tear his flesh , to string him up, to slash off his head. 

            And David had done nothing.  Nothing but face a mighty giant with only a sling and a stone.  Nothing but soothe a distressed Saul with his harp and singing.  Nothing but kill many of the enemy with skill and cunning.  Nothing but befriend the kind who was reportedly a bit crazy and come into his household with joy and peace.  Nothing but have the spirit of God with him continuously.

            David was the Golden Child.  The one God had anointed to be the next king overIsrael, the one God blessed, the one God led with His Spirit.  Everyone loved David.  He was handsome, athletic and cunning.  He was a hero on the battle field and a charmer in the king’s courts.  Woman sang about him in the streets.  Men admired his strength and savvy.  His enemies fell before him like flies.  Then all went south and his life turned sour.

            War rose up against David and his enemy came for him in great numbers to eat up his flesh.  David ran.  David hid.  David was afraid.  He wrote in Ps. 102:

            “For my days are consumed like smoke, my bones are burned like a hearth.  My heart is stricken and withered like grass so I forget to eat my bread. 

            My enemies reproach me all day long; those who deride me swear an oath against me.  For I have eaten ashes like bread and mingled my drink with weeping.”  

            David hid in a cave in the wilderness called, Rocks of the Wild Goats for many days because he had heard Saul was once again coming after him.  With 3,000 men.

            How long had this been going on?  The running?  The hiding?  The fear?  David was at the bottom of despair.  He thought for a moment that God, even his God had abandoned him. 

            “Have you forgotten me Lord?  Cast me away from your side because of Your anger towards me?”  David cries in the darkness of the cave.  “My days are like the shadow that lengthens, growing darker and longer all the time; I am withering away like the dying grass!” (from Ps. 102:10-11)

                The Golden Boy of Israel spent his days in the darkness of the cave afraid to step out in the light of day for fear someone would report him to Saul.  How long those days must have seemed.  How deep his soul must have tumbled into the pit of despair.  But then David remembered.

            “When the wicked came against me to eat up my flesh—“

            Could this be the lion he killed with his bare hands?  Was he thinking about the bear that tried to get his father’s sheep to no avail?  Maybe he was thinking of the huge, fierce giant who roared his indignation at a boy coming to fight him, then fell with a mighty thud as a stone flung from a shepherd’s sling sank deep into his forehead?  Or it could be all those Philistines the inexperienced shepherd boy had slain on the battle field? 

            “—my enemies and foes they stumbled and fell.”  (Ps. 27: 2,6)    

            God delivered me then, He is with me now!

            However the days went on and still he hid in the dark, dank cave, the old sheepfolds maybe known only to David.  In desperation and anger, he poured out his heart to God.

            “I cried out to You oh Lord and to the Lord I made supplication.  What profit is there in my blood?  When I go down to the pit will the dust praise You?  Will it declare your truth?”  (Ps. 30:9)  

                “Will I do You any good dead, God?  How can I serve You then?  Who will then be your next king?”

            David called out to his God for help.  Many times, in fact.

            “Hear, O Lord, and have mercy on me, Lord my helper!” (Ps. 30:10)

            “God help me please, I’m dying here!”

            So David remembered what God had done.  He poured his heart out to God, all his anxiety, all his fears, even his anger, and David asked God for help.  Did God hear his prayers?  Did He listen?  Sure thing!  You betcha! (that’s Nort’ Dakotan for Yep).  Out of the blue, God delivered David’s enemy into his hands.  Literally.

            Evening was drawing close, the sun setting in a burst of glory behind the rocky hills.  Saul’s army was setting up camp for the night.  Saul, weary from a long day of commandeering his army from his chariot went into a quiet, private cave to rest.  Just for a moment, he thought, as he stretched his tall frame out on the ground and closed his eyes with a sigh, a moment to relax, to enjoy some peace and quiet. 

            Meanwhile, David and his company could not see the glorious colors dancing across the sky or feel the cool evening breeze kiss their foreheads.  They were buried in the dark recesses of a cave.  The very cave in which Saul took a nap!

            David and his men peered around the rocks and watched unbelieving as the source of their misery and fear fell into a deep sleep.

            One of David’s men hissed in his ear, “This is it!  God said He would deliver your enemy into your hands. Well here he is, take him out!”

            David crept forward, his sword in his hand.  He could hardly believe it!  His enemy, the one who had hounded him for months lay on the cave floor snoring away.  Totally at David’s mercy.  He could end all the misery now.  In one swipe of his sword.    Had God truly delivered King Saul into his hands?  Could it be that easy to get rid of his problem?

            David must have whispered a prayer since he always sought the Lord’s direction, “What should I do, Lord?  Should I kill Your anointed?”

            Saul snored on, beat and tired out, not moving a muscle, completely unprotected,  totally unaware of his predicament. 

            David crept closer, until he was at the foot of Saul’s robe.  He raised the sword, Goliath’s sword, in fact, above his head. Glimmering light from the setting sun shimmered off the great blade as it slashed downward.  David grabbed the end of Saul’s robe and cut it off.

            “Why did you not kill him?” David’s men asked when he rejoined them in the back of the cave.

            Indeed no one would have blamed David if he had because in those days, it was an “eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth”, but David was troubled that he should even  cut Saul’s robe.  So he restrained his men from attacking the defensless king.

            Later in the dim light of evening, as Saul left the cave, David went out alone and bowed to the ground.  “My lord, the king!” he cried and Saul turned startled.

            “You see God delivered you into my hands,” David held up the piece of robe, “and someone urged me to kill you, but I will not stretch out my hand against God’s anointed leader.  Let God be the judge between you and me and let God avenge me. But I will not touch you.”  (from 1 Sam. 24)

            David could have taken care of things his own way, the easy way, the fast way.  He could have killed Saul more than once.  Instead, he gave it to God.  He let God take care of it in God’s way in God’s time.  David let go.

            Now God says to me, “Can you let go?  Can you let Me?”

            Can I give Him my health to use for His glory?

            Like the hawk struggling to fly, I hang on to the catch. I cling to what I think I need.  Good health.  Strength of limbs.  Life on this earth.

            Oh, God please do not make me weak! Do not shorten my days!

            The answer comes, “I will build you up, My child, for My glory.  I will hear and consider your prayer and will not throw away your request.”  (from Ps. 102:16-17)     

            “Release your troubles into My hands.  Drop the burden.  Trust Me and you will soar.”

            When David walked away from that encounter with Saul, he must have felt like he was flying on eagle’s wings.  How joyful he must have been when he wrote, “Therefore I will offer sacrifices of joy in His tabernacle!   I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to the Lord!”  (ps. 27:6)

            Granted there were many more problems after that and the struggle with Saul went on, but God did eventually deliver David.  Soul ironically died by his own hand and David was lifted up to becomeIsrael’s second king.  God himself said that David was a man after God’s own heart. 

            It seems so much harder to relinquish my health than my heart.  I struggle.  I give it to Him.  I take it back.  I cry out.  I beg for help. I want to run.  I try to hide.  I fight to gain altitude.  I beat my wings in the air.  I glide for a bit.  I fall. Then I open my hands and release the burden. 

            God take my life.  Take my health, use it for your glory.   Use it the way You see fit.  Like David, I want this to be over.  I want to go back to normal life, but like David, I will allow You to handle it Your way in Your time.  I will let go.  I will trust You.  I will soar on the Updraft.

                        “Bless the Lord, O my soul,   And forget not all His benefits:  Who forgives all your sins,  Who heals all your diseases,  Who redeems your life from destruction,   Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies.   Who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.  (Ps. 103:2-5)

Read Ps. 103