The War 5 LOOKING BEYOND

Posted on January 23, 2013 by Wendy Kleker

            At first when this experience happened, I thought it was only for my benefit and only between God and me.  However as time has gone by and I’ve prayed about it, I felt that I needed to share it with others, even though I am a bit nervous to do so.  I hope you don’t think I’m off my rocker or gone over the edge.  If you know me, you’ll know I am not given to seeing things that are not there or always looking for the supernatural.  I am very practical and down to earth. We are all “down to earth”, because we live and are bound to this earth.  Now I see that what is beyond is indeed Super natural because it is more natural, more real, more vibrant than what we see and hear every day.  What we have here on earth is temporary, a vapor lasting only for a moment.  The beyond, the “afterlife” for a believer is real living, the Beginning of Life.

 LOOKING BEYOND

“Jesus took Peter, John and James and went up to the mountain top to pray.  As He prayed the appearance of His face was altered and His robe became white and glistening.  He clothes became shinning, exceedingly white as snow, such as no launderer on earth can make them.  And behold two men talked with Him, who were Moses and Elijah who appeared also in glory.”  From Luke 9:28-31 and Mark 9:3

            I am sitting on a mountain top, actually a North Dakota mountain, which is really a hill.  My dogs are with me, Doti and Happy, sitting and laying beside me.  I am praising God and singing, which is a regular thing I do on my hill tops. 

            It’s a chilly fall day, with a stiff breeze blowing in my face and a thin cloud cover over the sun.  As I am singing, I suddenly feel the warm presence of the Holy Spirit.  Now I know the Spirit is always with me and I often do feel His presence, but this is different. His presence is vibrant and real, all around me and in me. I am, no doubt, face to face with the Holy God, the Mighty One of all creation.        

            Warmth engulfs me, a warm glow sinking into the very core of my being and warming my bones.  Behind my closed eyes, a golden light shines brighter and brighter.  The warmth comes from the Light, which surrounds me and is in me.  In that Light is such peace and joy I feel no fear, only joy and wonder.  I can barely breathe. I am in awe.

            Then I feel another presence, someone I know instantly.  He seems to be far off and coming closer. 

            In my mind, I hear a voice, “Mom!”

            “Stephen?”  I whisper.

            “Mom!”  He seems to be coming nearer.

            “Stephen!” I cry as I stretch out my hand. 

            “Mom!” The unmistakable voice fills my head in that breathless way he had when greeting me.

            “Stephen, I love you!” I cry and it feels as if my son is standing beside me, as if maybe I can touch his hand.

            I don’t see anything with my eyes.  These impressions and feelings come at me like mist rising from my son to cover and engulf me. It’s as if I’m seeing and hearing with my senses, not physical senses but spiritual senses.  Some of the thoughts and impressions later manifested themselves as pictures in my mind.

            An image of Stephen’s face comes into my mind, flashing there like a memory.  He is smiling, and love shines from his eyes with great gentleness.  Emanating from his presence, is joy unspeakable.  Joy beyond measure.  Joy in spite of all things. Joy unending.  And peace flowing like a river.  Calming peace.  Restful peace.  Peace that speaks of quiet green pastures and still waters.          

            “It’s okay,” I say to my son, and I have no idea why I am saying these words since I have had no thoughts concerning this, “It’s okay.  I’m not angry at all.  I totally forgive you.  There is nothing to forgive.  I never have been angry with you.  I love you very much.  I will never stop loving you.  I want you to love, to laugh, to live in Heaven completely free. I’ll be with you soon. I love you always.” I pause and there is silence filled only with unexplainable peace and joy, as the brilliance glimmers brightly behind my closed eyes.

            At this point, I become aware that the dogs are standing and looking behind me.  Both of them are looking around intently as if searching for something.

            When I close my eyes, I see the bright glow once again and feel Stephen’s presence.  I sense something from him, which at the time I took as concern for me. 

            “I’m okay”,  I’m not sure if I said the words out loud or in my mind, “I’ll be okay.  Jesus is with me.  He’s always with me and I’ll be fine. I know you’re there waiting for me and I’ll see you soon.”

            I am still holding out my arm, my fist closed as if gripping something.  I feel, now that my son is moving slowing away.  At the same time, I feel other beings surrounding me.  I can feel joy, peace, and love radiating off them, but I’m not sure if they are angels or other loved ones in Glory.

            Suddenly Happy barks, sharp and insistent, as he does when he sees a stranger.  Then he growls.  My eyes fly open and I see Happy standing, looking the way I’m facing, hair on his back raised.  Doti is standing very close leaning against me the hair on her back is also standing up.  Happy keeps up his barking and growling for several minutes and my heart pounds as I realize he senses something too.  It wasn’t just my imagination.  They were there. Jesus and my son were right next to me and I was surrounded by a host of either angels or saints.

            I close my eyes again but they are gone.  The brightness has faded, the breeze feels chilly.  Only a feeling of peace and joy remain and I am aware that tears are running down my face. I come back to reality slowly and look around at the golden grasses, the late summer wild flowers, the red rocks on the hills and everything looks dark and rather gloomy.  When I stand, I realize I’m stiff and cold.  Looking at my watch, I see it’s been 45 minutes.  I can’t believe it’s been that long!  It seems like only a few moments. 

            What a gift!  I walk back to the house on a cloud of joy.  I talked to my son!  I know that he is not far away. I know without a shadow of a doubt that he is with Jesus.  He’s happy and full of joy, enjoying peace beyond my understanding.

            As I said in my last article, I was able to find joy and peace in God’s presence, however my mind would often revisit the darkness surrounding my son’s death.  I would find myself trying to figure out what happened that last night Stephen was on earth. Day or night the thoughts would sneak in robbing me of my peace and threatening the joy I had found in God. In praying and praising, I would find relief for awhile, but I could not find constant deliverance from the questions and turmoil in my mind.

            However, after this experience the darkness and despair of Stephen’s death has lifted.  No longer do I have turmoil and dread as I experienced the months before.  Now I feel content and have peace.  Life will be good.  God is in control.

            Oh, I still miss my son and sometimes I feel incredibly sad, but I have been in the Light.  I have experienced the river of peace and joy that flows from the throne of God.  I have felt the warmth and have basked in His comfort.  I had a glimpse of what is real and true and what is to come and my heart leaps for joy.

            As I contemplated my experience on the mountain top, I realized there was more to it than just God giving me comfort by allowing me to sense my son as he is now in Glory.  That in itself is a big thing.  A wonderful thing.  A miracle.  However, as I thought on, prayed about the encounter, and assimilated not just the feelings but also the thoughts and impressions I felt as if there was a message that God wanted me to have.  The more I thought about that message, the more I realized it isn’t just for me, but for others who knew him and loved him. And maybe for anyone who would want to hear.

            Besides the joy and peace beyond understanding that I felt emanating from Stephen, I sensed a confidence and strength I had never before known in him.  Stephen has always been strong but this wasn’t just physical strength. This confidence was not in himself as I at first thought, but confidence in his Lord.  Utter confidence in God’s love for him, a love that would never end nor never leave him.  Believing completely that the Almighty God of the universe would take care of everything, that all things work out for good, that Yah, the Lord God, Creator, Deliverer, Lover of our souls is indeed in control.

            In this, in God the Father is Stephen’s confidence and in no other.  In this complete trust is his strength.

            “In quietness and trust is your strength.”  Is. 30:15   This strength radiated from Stephen like the sun’s warm rays.

            What I thought was a concern for my well being, was more likely a concern that I get the message.  How silly for me to think I had to tell him I would be okay.  He knows it far better than I do.      

            What I think he was saying is this, “You will be all right, Mom.  It will be okay with you and John, with Maci, Jacob, Julie and all those I love.  Our Father is holding you in His hands.  Nothing can take you out of His hands.  Nothing can come to you that does not go through His hands. Only trust Him.  No matter how horrible things seem, no matter what happens, just trust Him.  He will take care of all things.  It will all work out for good in the end.  Trust Him.”

            I think too that Stephen wanted us to know what happened to him is okay.  God was in control of that too. What happened that night went through His hands.  It doesn’t matter what happened or how it happened or why, it only matters that God allowed it to happen for a reason known only to Him.  A good reason, a reason for His Glory and for our good. 

            Don’t fret about why it happened and don’t waste energy on thinking how we could have made it different. Instead we need to accept things the way they are as we praise God for His way in the midst of this and all circumstances. 

            Stephen’s days were written in God’s book the way He ordained them. Nothing happened that the Almighty did not allow.  He is working all things for our good.  That is all that matters.

            “Look at me now,” I believe Stephen was saying, “I have complete peace, no more turmoil, no more struggles, no more pain.  I am content, filled with absolute joy and surrounded by total love. Think of me this way.” 

            And he is waiting for us to join him some glorious day. Oh what a day that will be!  I don’t know why God allowed Stephen to visit me that day, but I do know God wanted to comfort me and you in a real and miraculous way. 

            My son is near by. There is a song that says, “Keep looking beyond, they’re only gone from our sight”.  Our loved ones in Glory are not far off.  We are all united, we are one with Jesus, one with the Father, one with each other.  God’s Spirit, like a rope binding us all together, is in each one of His children and unites us all with a bond that will never be broken.  Now and forever and ever!    

            Oh the taste of Glory that I had!  What an indescribable gift!  It’s there, right there close enough to touch.  God’s glory.  His loving Presence.  Peace and joy is in His Presence.  All I have to do is reach out and touch Him, seek His presence, praise His name, and my God is there. 

            Since that time I have indeed had, for the most part, peace. The turmoil in my mind is gone.  The questions lie unanswered and will stay there. Instead of seeking answers, I seek my God. In rest and trust is my strength.  He is my confidence. 

            Though the mountains shake and fall into the sea, though the earth tremble, though my life breaks apart, He, my God, is a VERY present help in all trouble. He is my refuge and strength. He is with me always.  He will never leave me or forsake me.  He is my joy. He is my Deliverer.  He is my Light.  He is my God.  Only trust Him. 

 “And the Glory You (Father) gave Me I have given them, that they may be one just as We are one.  I in them, and You in Me that they may be made perfect in one.” John 17:22, 23

Read John 17:20-26 Ps. 64:1-3

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Posted in An encounter with the Living God, Encouragement, God is faithful, God is my Deliverer, God's glory shining, God's presence, Trusting God | Leave a comment

The War 4 MY BATTLE PLAN

Posted on January 11, 2013 by Wendy Kleker

  

Winter garden

Winter garden

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After my son’s death in March 2012, I felt as if I was in a war.  In the Series THE WAR I am taking you back to the many battles and conflicts I had in the months since then.  

MY BATTLE PLAN

Choose to Praise

“I will praise You, O Lord, with my whole heart, I will tell of your marvelous works I will be glad and rejoice in You.  I will sing praise to your name, O Most High.” Ps. 9:1-2

            I will sing praises to Him when to sing is the hardest thing of all.

            Praise is not always on my lips.  A song is not always in my heart, but I choose to praise Him at all times, through any situation even when my life is dark indeed.  Praise raises the blinds and lets in the light.  Praise opens the door to His Glory.  Praise lifts my face to the warmth of His love.  Praise opens my heart to His presence. 

            Like a shuttered window keeping the bright sunlight from flooding the room, is my heavy heart when the despair of grief presses down.  Praise opens the shutters and lets the light of God’s glorious presence, the warmth of His love and comfort burst upon the very darkness of my heart

            Oh, there are times when I don’t feel like praising.  There are times when the pain strikes that all I can do is whisper “thank You, Jesus”, or all I can say is, “Praise You God”. But that is enough.  My sacrifice of praise I bring before my God when the day is the darkest, my heart is the heaviest, and when praising is the hardest.

            God indwells my praises.  His love bursts upon my pounding heart and my anguish is quieted.  My pain eases. I feel His comfort, His presence surrounding me like a garment.  I can explain it no other way.  His light floods my soul, the darkness is gone, the heaviness is lifted.

            As I praise His name, His Glory surrounds me.  Most High is there.  He is enough.  Joy comes.

“Praise the Lord, O my soul!  While I live, I will praise the Lord.  I will sing praises to my God while I have my being.”  Ps. 146:1-2

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Choose Joy

            Evil. Horror.  Dread. Fear. Confusion. Darkness.  These things I felt and sensed when I thought about my son’s death.  For months after my 33 year old son, father of two, went to Heaven my mind was filled with questions and turmoil.  

            I knew I needed to face the way he died, but there was darkness and evil there and I did not want to visit that.  Authorities called it suicide.  Self inflicted gunshot.  Suicide is such an ugly word. It implies premeditated, planning to end one’s life.  Self inflicted I can accept, but planning to end his life thinking it out, deciding life was too hard, there was no other way, this I have a hard time seeing with my son.

            Stephen had plans with his kids and was planning on working things out with Julie, his ex-wife.  He seemed happy with his job as a building foreman.  I was told by one of his co-workers that he was very well liked and many of them wanted to be on his crew. There was no note, no indication of deep depression or signs of being suicidal.  How could I, his mother, not know, not feel that he was hurting that badly?  I can not accept that he planned and intended on taking his life.  He loved his kids too much for that. We don’t really know what happened that night. He was highly intoxicated and I don’t believe he knew what he was doing or maybe it was a careless accident as he was fooling with his guns.

            The why’s and how’s pounded in my mind and I was driven to find answers. My mind was filled with turmoil going over and over what friends thought happened that night.  Questions, images, darkness driving me crazy.  I wasn’t sleeping well, waking up at night with thoughts chasing through my head. 

            “God help me!” I cried one night, “I can’t take this!  I’m going to go crazy!”

“Child, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right whatever is pure, whatever is lovely whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about these things.” These words from Phil. 4:8 came to my mind and I knew what I needed to do.

            Not dwell on the darkness, but think of good things.  Go to the truth, that leads to the Light, which is God’s love. Let God’s truth and light flood my soul and take me to His presence who is my joy.  My exceeding joy.  In His presence is fullness of joy.

            I must accept that Stephen is gone from this life. I need to deal with his absence, move through the grief, placing everything in God’s hands, but not dwell on his death.  The darkness is a place I can not go.  In the deep black night is a place Satan would love me to be, but I will not let Satan have victory.  I will not stay there.  I will go to the light.  I will go to God’s truth.  I will praise.  I will sing.

            I will choose joy.  I will immerse myself in His is word.  I will focus on Him. I will seek His face. I will pour out my heart to Him.  I will lean on Him.  I will trust Him. I will hunker down under the shelter of His wings. I will stay no where else but with my God who is my exceeding joy.  “You, my God, will fill me with joy in your presence.” Ps. 17:

            The joy of the Lord is not always bubbly or giddy or even happy, but God’s joy is always there, steadfast and sure.  When trouble comes with loss and grief and even anguish of the heart God’s joy can stand against it all.  God’s joy flows right from His thrown to my heart. Joy in His love, which is never ending.  Joy in His mighty hands holding all things in place.  Joy in His light that pushes away the darkness.

            His joy enables me to take another step, to lift my head, to smile, to face another day with contentment and peace and yes even happiness. The waves of grief come.  The swells of pain flood my heart and threaten to drown me, but when the waves roll out again, the joy of the Lord is still there standing tall and strong, always steady and sure. 

            The joy of the Lord is my strength!  I choose joy!  

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Choose To Run

“Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.  Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith who for the joy set before Him endured the cross.”  Heb. 12:1

            Run the race that is set before me.  Run to win.  Persevere.  Endure.  Finish well. Run with my head up my eyes on my Savior.  Not giving in to despair.  Oh I want to give up sometimes.  The grade is too steep. The way is too rocky, the trail is too rough. 

            I am so tired of fighting.  Tired of running.  Worn out from the struggle to keep running this race God has set before me.  If only I could drop out of the race.  It seems to stay in the grief and sadness is easier than the struggle to win the victory over darkness. 

            But no!  God’s light, God’s love will lead me to His mountain.  Not a dark hole, not weighed down by grief, and hopelessness, not bowed down by dark despair, not stumbling and falling down the mountain.  God will lift me up and carry me in His arms.  He puts me in a place I can stand.  A broad path.  Oh it may be steep and difficult, but God strengthens weak knees and lifts up my bowed head. 

            Push forward and persevere.  I will not be defeated. God turns my darkness into light.  With His help I can advance against an army and I will win.  With His help I can scale a sheer wall.  He is my shield and I take refuge in Him

            I lift up my hands and I praise my God.  The heaviness is lifted and I am ready to go on.  I am in the race.  I am equipped to run. He trains my hands for battle.  He arms me with strength and He makes my way perfect.  He makes my feet like the feet of the deer and enables me to run on the high place. He gives me the shield of victory. (from Ps. 18)

            I choose to praise.  I choose joy.  I choose light.  I choose truth.  I choose to run.  And I will win.

“You are a shield around me, O Lord.  You bestow glory on me and lift up my head.  To the Lord I cry aloud and He answers me from His holy hill. 

I lie down and sleep, I wake again because the Lord sustains me.  From the Lord comes deliverance.”  Ps. 3:3-5, 8

Read Psalms 18  Psalms 149

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Posted in Comfort in Grief, Garment of Praise, Joy in pain, Praise, Preseverence, Rejoicing in Grief, Trusting God, Uncategorized | 2 Comments

The War 3 GLORY

Posted on December 15, 2012 by Wendy Kleker

 

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GLORY

“The whole earth is filled with His glory!”  From Ps. 72:19

            The afternoon was dark and gloomy with low clouds covering the land. The very air seemed heavy with tears and there was not a dot of blue sky or a ray of sunshine to be seen.  My heart was heavy too on this day just two weeks before Christmas.  A Christmas without my son to think of, to buy for or to talk to. 

            As I trudged out for my walk my limbs felt weighted down and I drug my feet through the few inches of snow.  Like the sky, my spirit was gloomy and filled with tears waiting to fall. I could feel the emptiness like the big open prairie around me, a yawning hole in my life. The road ahead seemed steep and rugged like the slopes of the Red hills that I declined to climb this day.

            My grandkids had hung a stocking for their dad and put Christmas decorations on his grave, so I was told by my daughter-in-love.  A stocking that would stay untouched by his hands and decorations that his eyes would not see.  My heart cried.  Tears ran down my cheek.  Tears for what should not have been.  Tears for what we have lost. 

            Praise does not pour from my mouth this afternoon.  Why does the sky have to be so dark?  The clouds so heavy?  Weighing on my soul.  Pressing down on my body.  Pushing to the horizon.  Making it impossible to rejoice.  Where is the joy?

            I know I have decided to choose joy and to rejoice in God through all things, but sometimes, no matter how I try the joy is not there.  Like the clouds covering the sun, dark sadness, gloomy grief and deep sorrow overwhelm any glimmer of joy in my heart. 

            I keep trudging, step by laborious step along the trail.  And I think, this is how it is in life when things get tough. We just keep going, step by step, day by day.  When the going gets tough, the tough keep going.  Right?  But yet I don’t want it to be just a trudge, a labored uphill grind all the way. I don’t want to just get through with my head down, shoulders bowed, back bent.  I would like to soar on the wings of an eagle. A life full of victory is my desire. 

            Yet sometimes the trail heads up those steep, slippery slopes and climb I must.  The down slopes will come and the summits are reached eventually, but the uphill seems to never end. 

            This dark, gloomy day; this cold December day in the midst of the Holy-season when my heart should be singing praises to the King of Kings and my feet dancing for joy; this overcast day that seems to anchor my feet to the ground and lodge songs in my throat; this day seems so very empty of joy.  Some days are like that.  Get through them and go on, is my motto.  Just like my feet, one step at a time, trudging down the path, with my eyes only on the ground. 

            “Look up!”

            “What?”  The voice out of the gloom startles me.

            “Lift up your eyes,” says the voice in my mind. “You will look and be radiant.  Your heart will throb and swell with joy!” (Is. 60:3)

            I raise my eyes and gasp.  The scene before me is so amazing it’s hard to describe. 

The sun has set but gray clouds that hang to the horizon in all directions are covering the sunset colors. All the land is shadowy and dim, with a flat light that does not reflect off the snow, but is gray like twilight. 

            Yet the light has come!  Square Butte to the east is blazing pink. 

            Shining in the light of His glory!  All the higher peaks in the distant badlands are glowing pink.  Sentinel Butte is shaded with pink and gold. 

            Amazing glory in the darkness.  Light shinning forth where there is no light!  The sky is still covered with heavy clouds, the land dark, yet somehow the Light bursts through.

            He wraps Himself in light as with a garment.  He stretches out the heavens like a tent and lays the beams of His upper, glorious home on the peaks.  (from Ps. 104:2,3)

            God’s glory shinning forth in the darkness.  His glory and light can not be hidden.  His beauty will not be covered with clouds.  His joy is not smothered by grief and sorrow.  Covered maybe, but his light bursts forth! Touching the peaks with color and light.  Filling my heart with love and joy.

            Where there is darkness, His light shines.  Even when things are bleak, He is working for good.  Even when there seems to be absolutely no good, His glory shines forth!  He works all things for good for those who love Him.  Even in the darkest hour His will is done. When the going gets tough, God gets going.  He will do it!

            I raise my hands and sing, “I see You high and lifted up.  Shining in the light of Your glory.  Pour out Your power and love as I sing, Holy, Holy, Holy.”   

            “Rise and shine!  Your light has come!   The glory of the Lord rises upon you!  See darkness covers the earth and thick darkness is over the peoples.  But the Lord rises upon you and His glory appears over you.”  Is. 60:1-2

COMFORT

“Shout for joy O heavens, rejoice, O earth, burst into song, O mountains!  For the Lord comforts His people and will have compassion on His afflicted ones.” Is. 49:13

            Okay I can’t leave it there.  To be totally honest, I have to say after the light faded and the colors were gone, the tears fell. You can have tears and joy at the same time.  The joy of the Lord filled my heart but I still missed my son.  The sobs came as they did in the beginning of this ordeal but haven’t for awhile. My legs felt weak, my chest squeezed, my head was dizzy.

            Then I felt a presence with me so real and so comforting my sobs immediately quit.  Peace flooded my heart and I could breathe again. The grief was still there, the tears still fell but the terrible ache, and the wrenching pain was eased. Made bearable.  I find it hard to explain. It was as if arms went around me and held me tight.

            In my mind, I saw my son and I felt his essence.  Everything about him was brought back to my mind, how he looked, his smile, the light in his eyes, his voice.  I could almost smell him.  I’m not saying he was there, yet maybe he was, but I feel God brought him to my mind so vividly, so real that I would know he is close.  Out of sight, out of this realm, but not far away.

            “I, even I am He who comforts you.” Is. 51:12  I have no doubt the Holy Spirit comforted me in a way He knew would bring immediate relief from my pain.  He covers me with the shadow of His hand. His light rises in the darkness, my night will be turned to day.  He guides me and He satisfies my needs.  All of them even my need to see and feel my son.  He strengthens my body and I will grow like a watered garden where His love will never fail, never end, never go away.

            He is the Repairer of my broken heart and the Restorer of my life. If I turn to Him; if I trust in Him; if I honor Him with my service; if I love Him, I will find joy in my Lord. and He will cause me to ride on the heights of the land where there is Light.  (From Is. 58:10-14)

            “To comfort those who mourn and provide for those who grieve, to bestow on them a crown of beauty, instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.  They will be called a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor.” (Is. 51:3)

Read Is. 60 and 58

Stephen in June and Nov. 2010

Stephen in June and Nov. 2010

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Posted in Beauty for Ashes, Encouragement, Garment of Praise, God's glory shining, Loss of a child, Praise, Rejoicing in Grief | 3 Comments

The War 2 IN THE TRENCHES, UNDER HIS WINGS

Posted on November 23, 2012 by Wendy Kleker

This continues on my theme of being in a battle with God at my side.  I am taking you back to the first months after my son went to Heaven to many of the struggles I fought through and the victories won.

IN THE TRENCHES, UNDER HIS WINGS

 “I stay in the shelter of His wings and I rejoice!  My soul clings to You and You hold me tight.” Ps. 63:7-8

         The battle rages all around and many fall at my side.  So it seems in my grief.  I struggle with questions, with fears, with doubts.  My arms are empty, my heart is shattered, my life is turned upside down.  Heaviness weighs on my soul, darkness engulfs my life.

            “Oh Lord, there are times in the heat of battle when I can only fall to my knees and sob, when I hunker down in the trenches and hide under Your wings.  How priceless is your unfailing love, O my God. Therefore, I put my trust under the shadow of your wings.

            In Your shadow, under Your wings, in Your hand I can rejoice.  Because You are my help, I can rejoice even in the pain.  Because Your love is precious and never ending, I can trust You always.”

            In the shelter of His wings, even in the midst of trial and grief I can be abundantly satisfied.  Not just satisfied and content but satisfied with the fullness of His house.

            Satisfied with all of His love, and all of His power and all of His glory.  This is HUGE!

            I can drink from the river of His pleasures.  The river that flows from the throne of God full of all the blessings from God, full of joy, full of  His unending love, full of peace, full of His pleasures.  What are the things that God likes?  He loves His children and all mankind. I’d say he loves His creation, nature, animals, beauty, light, color.  He delights in our praises and our devotion.  I think he likes songs and music and harmony and peace. 

            When I find refuge under the shelter of His wings, I can drink from this river of His delights.  When I lean on Him, turn to Him in my darkest hours, trust Him totally, I can feast on the abundance of His house.  The fullness of His riches, beyond what I can even fathom flowing from His throne to my heart.  Unbelievable!

            Then even in the deep inky blackness of the night, even in my deepest sorrow, even in the darkest despair, I can see light.  I can sing a song.  I can praise Him.  I can rejoice.

            God is light.  His light touches the deepest shadow.  Not only touches it but floods it like a flood light coming on in a deep dark cave.  Suddenly all is illuminated and the fear, the heaviness is chased away.

            That is how I can rejoice even when I have great sorrow, even when my heart is breaking, even when there is a hole in my life where my son once was. With God is the fountain of life! 

            Death of a believer is not death to God.  It’s life.  Life springing to the fullness of what it was meant to be from the beginning of creation.  Life joined in perfect union with our Father, All Mighty God, Ruler of the universe, and our Savior and lover of our souls, Jesus, for ever and ever.

            Trusting God completely, allowing Him to control my life.  Accepting all He brings my way.  Walking and living in His love and His presence.  Standing on legs that would fail, praising through the tears, reaching for His hand, waiting for the song, this is fullness of life. Life in Christ.  Life everlasting.  Joy unspeakable, peace beyond understanding, love incomprehensible.

            God is life.  God is light.  In Him, under His wings, in His shelter, leaning on Him, in His light I see light.  I can rejoice.

From Ps. 36:5-9

BATTLE SONG

“The Lord your God is with you.  He is mighty to save!  He will take great delight in you.  He will quiet you with His love.  He will rejoice over you with singing.” Zeph. 3:17

            I love this!  To think the Might One, the ruler of the universe rejoices because of me! He sings a song when I am in battle. He is in my midst and He will save!  Not only does He save, He quiets me with His love. He is my battle song.   

            Many times when the pain rises up inside and my chest is constricted to the point I can’t breathe and my legs become so weak I stumble and my arms hang down because I am weak, all I can do is whisper, “Thank you Jesus”. Over and over.

            As I say these words and utter the name of my Savior, calm floods my racing heart and the constriction in my chest eases so I can once again take a breath.  The pain lifts a bit and my arms and legs no longer feel like wet noodles.

            God’s love permeates my being covering like a cloak. His love, soothing, surrounding, holding, and quieting my soul.

            He comforts with love. He quiets with his peace and He strengthens with His great power.  He gives me what I need to go on, to fight the battle, to win the skirmish. He makes a road way in the badlands that seem impassable. When it seems I can not go on; can not stand the fear and doubt, can not face the future; can not take the next step, He makes a way. He makes it bearable. He causes peace in my mind.  Decisions that need to be made, roads that need to be traveled, mountains that must be climbed, He leads the way and holds me up by His hand.

            He makes rivers in the desert and I find food on desolate heights where there seems to be none. He gives me what I need to take each step and cry each tear.  Not only sustenance, what I need, but much more beyond what I can imagine. Blessing flowing. Joy unspeakable. 

            Grandkids coming for the summer and filling my days with gladness.  God has claimed my grandchildren for His own.  They are His, born of the Savior, washed in the blood.  He will keep them in His hands and not let them go.  He will bring them some day to Glory to be forever with their Savior, their father and with me.

            He opens the doors and breaks into pieces the gates of bronze.  He goes before me and makes crooked places straight.  Unfamiliar ground this past summer and barriers with family reunions, travel and grandkids coming to spend time with us for the first time ever without their dad along.  God went before us and straightened out the curves.  He made it all easy and fun, and we’re looking forward to next summer.

            He gives treasures in the darkness and hidden riches in secret places; two precious grandkids to love and teach, horses for them and us to enjoy, fun and fellowship with our families, a renewed relationship with our adopted son, a growing relationship with a wonderful daughter-in-law, staggering support from friends and family.

            He levels my mountains, removes barriers, gives sustenance, and makes a way where there seems no way.  He is polishing me and has hidden me in His quiver to be used by Him.  He will take me out and send me to the mark and in me He will display His splendor.    

            Oh the thought!  He formed me to be His servant and I will display His glory.  Wow! How can that be?  That weak-kneed, limp-armed, stumbling, blundering, fainting me can reflect the glory of the King of Kings?

            Only because God is my strength and my enabler and His polishing stone does it’s work. “It is indeed no small thing to be Your servant, Father God!”

            “ARISE AND SHINE!” He tells me, “For your light has come!  No more will you be in deep darkness and sorrow for My glory has risen upon you, my child.  I turn your darkness into light.  Beholed the old things have passed away and new things I bring to you.  They will spring forth in your life.  I will lead you, although you are blind, in ways you do not know.  I will take you down trails you can not imagine.  I will enlighten the darkness before you, and crooked places I will make straight.  Behold I will do it!

            Fear not, Wendy, for you are mine. I call you by name. I know you inside and out. I have your imprint on my hand from holding you so tight. I will never let you go..

            When you pass through the waters, I shall be with you and through the rivers they shall not overflow you.  When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flames touch you.  For I am the Lord Your God!

            Since you are precious, my child. in My eyes, you have been honored.  I love you with an unending, unimaginable love! I will fill your life with people and with blessings.  Fear not for I am always with you!”  (from Is. 42:16,  43:2-5)

            How can I add or take away from that promise?

            In the midst of the raging battle the Mighty One is always right with me.  He has my back. He is beside me so I can lean on Him.  He covers me with His wings.  He upholds me with His right hand.  He quiets me with His love and He rejoices over me with singing.  The Almighty God of the universe sings for me.  And he sings for you.

 “I the Lord have called you in righteousness.  I will take hold of your hand  and I will keep you.” Is. 42:6

From   Is 45:2-13 Is. 49:2-11

Posted in Battle Ground, Comfort in Grief, Encouragement, Following God, God has the victory, God is faithful, God is in my midst, God is my Deliverer, Loss of a child, Mighty to save, Praise, Rejoicing in Grief, The river of God's pleasures, Trusting God | 2 Comments

The War 1 FIRST STRIKE

Posted on November 10, 2012 by Wendy Kleker

Rock in the storm

THE WAR

We will shout for joy when you are victorious and will lift up our banners in the name of our God.” Ps. 20:5       

                  He is my Deliverer and He is standing by.  The battle belongs to Him.  He will fight and He will win.  God gives the victory.  Always.  I will fly the banner of victory in His name. He has victory.  Always.  He is my Deliverer.  He saves.  He is standing by.

            I have been in a war zone.  I feel as if I have fought many battles.  I’m tired, worn out, wounded in spirit and a bit shaky in body.  However I am standing.  I am on my feet and standing upright.  My eyes are on the Lord, my Commander in Chief, my Deliverer.  The skirmishes are coming farther apart and are less intensive.  The enemy is retreating in the face of the great army I have at my forefront and the many hosts of angels who have my back.

             I would like to take you back to the battle field and to some of the many skirmishes, struggles and yes, victories that I have gone through in the last 8 months since my son’s death.

 “Through the victories You gave, my glory is great.  You have bestowed on me splendor and majesty.  Surely you have granted me eternal blessings and made me glad with the joy of Your presence.  For I trust in the Lord.  Through the unfailing love of the Most High I will not be shaken!” (From Ps. 21:5-7)

First Strike

 “As the deer pants for the streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God.  My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.  When can I go an meet with God?” Ps. 42:1

         Where are you God?  My soul pants for You, O my God as the thirsty deer pants for the water.  My soul thirst for my God to be near.  When will I feel Your presence with me, O precious Lord?

            The sadness comes upon me and bears me down so I stagger and fall.  The tears flow all day long and into the night.  Where are you O Lord?  Why have you forgotten me?

            God my rock why have you forsaken me?  Why is this sorrow heavy upon me? Why does it feel as if my bones are breaking and you are no where near?

            I remember in past times when God helped me and lifted me above the waters of sorrow.  How he healed my broken heart and filled my life with His love.  I looked at His creation and saw the Creator’s glory, power and might.  I saw His loving kindness in all things, through all things and felt His love in my soul.  At night when sleep would not come God’s song was with me as I talked to Him in the darkness and His light filled my mind. 

            Yet, now, why did you allow this terrible tragedy in my life?  Why are my Grandkids without their father?  Why, O God have you let this evil in our lives? 

            You are my God, my strength, my hope so why have You cast me away to let the enemy trample me?  Where are You O my God?  My soul searches for you but in the darkness I cannot find you.  The night is as black as ink and the heaviness of horror and evil surrounds me like a dense fog.  I can not stand.  I can not breathe. I am blind and cannot see where to go.   How my God, can I live?

            In the storm tossed sea I fight to stay above the waves.  I hang on for dear life lest a mighty wave sweep me overboard.  The tempest swamps over my head and I strain to see in the dark.  I fear my boat will strike a rock and cause another great collision and shock in my life.  Where are You oh, my God, my Shelter, my Deliverer?

            Suddenly in the dark storm I see a prick of light.  A star?  No a beacon shining in the distance, piercing the dense fog.  A bright beam breaks forth from the Lighthouse gleaming on the black waves, illuminating the path, pushing back the darkness.  God’s light for He is light and there is no darkness in Him.  God’s light leads me to His truth, His word, and His promises.  God’s truth leads me to Him. He is all I need.  He is the Light of my life.

 “Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?  Put your hope in God for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.” Ps. 42:11   

My Ammo

Send forth your light and your truth, let them guide me, let them bring me to your Holy mountain to the place where you dwell.” Ps. 43:3

            I see Your beacon, Lord.   I march in Your path.  I come to Your presence.  I bask in Your light.  I fight with Your truth.

            Your truth is: “I will never leave you or forsake you”. Josh. 1:1  

            “The Lord is my light and my Salvation.  Whom or what shall I fear?  The Lord is the stronghold of my life.  Of whom shall I be afraid?  When evil men advance against me to devour my flesh, when my enemies and my foes attack me, they will stumble and fall.  Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear.  Though war break out against me, even then will I be confident. 

            One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek, above all else, that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life.  So I can gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and seek Him in His temple.

            For in the day of trouble HHe will keep me safe in His dwelling, He will hide me in the shelter of His tabernacle and set me high upon a Rock.” (From Ps. 27:1-5)

            “You are my hiding place.  You shall preserve me from trouble.  You shall surround me with songs of deliverance.” Ps. 32:7

            “They looked to Him and were radiant and their faces were not ashamed, or afraid.  The poor man cried out and the Lord heard him and saved him of all his troubles.  The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him and delivers them. 

            The young lions lack and suffer hunger but those who seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing.

            The righteous cry out and the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles.  The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

            A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all eventually.”  (from Ps. 34

            “If the Lord delights in a man’s way, He makes his steps firm. Though he stumble he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with His hand.” Ps.37:23-24

            “He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire, He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.  He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.”  Ps. 40:2-3

            His truth is: He will not leave me ever. He is my hiding place, my shelter, my high tower of safety.  He will preserve me and he will keep me from evil.  Oh trouble will come for without trials and tribulations I would not grow, but He will always deliver.  In the midst of the trials He gives a song. 

            When enemies come against me, they will fall.  He fights my battles and He will have the victory.  Though much sorrow surrounds me, I need not fear for the angels of the Lord are all around and they will not allow anything to get through to me that God does not want me to have. 

            God heals me when I cry to Him.  He lifts me above my sorrow.  He gives light in the darkness.  He gives me all good things.  I shall lack nothing.  All that He allows to come upon me is for my good even if it does not seem so. 

            When I focus on Him my face is radiant. The garment of praise will lift the heaviness.  Joy come in the midst of grief.  He is my joy, peace flows from His throne to my heart.  The Lord is my light.  He is my strength.  I should not fear.  God is with me always.  He is with me.  He saves.  He delivers.

            God has not left me, His presence is with me every minute of every day.  Forever and ever. This is what I know not what I feel.  This is the truth.  The truth is where I go when I feel overwhelmed. What I believe when I feel cast down and forgotten.  The ammunition I use when I am besieged. 

            When my soul is cast down, when I feel you are far away I will trust you oh my God.  I will praise you, I will sing a song of praise for You, my precious Lord are my exceeding joy.  You makes me smile. I will be still and I will know you are my God.

From Ps. 42 and 43

Posted in Battle Ground, Comfort in Grief, Encouragement, Garment of Praise, God Fights the battles, God has the victory, God is faithful, God is my Deliverer, God knows my life, Loss of a child, Mighty is our God, Mighty to save, Trusting God | 3 Comments

GLORY’S SIDE

Posted on June 12, 2012 by Wendy Kleker

GLORY’S SIDE

            Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands.  Now it is God who has made us for this very purpose and has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come. 

            Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord.  We would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord.”  2 Cor. 5:1, 5-8

 

            The pain comes in waves, washing over me, tumbling me, pushing me to the ground.  Sometimes I can ride them out but this wave was intense threatening to drown me.  I was crying and hashing things out with my Lord, feeling the void, the emptiness left in my life with the loss of my son.  My only child.  I was comparing that loss with the loss of my husband many years ago.  Then I had been totally lost and terribly lonely.  Now I’m not lonely since I have John, but I am bereaved.  I have lost one of the greatest things in my life and it feels as if a limb has been ripped off.

            When I lost Jim I felt like deeply embedded roots in my heart were being ripped painfully out, now I feel like a large part of my heart has been torn away.  The bonds between a parent and child are so strong they are a part of our very being.  Not grafted in they have grown there from that child’s birth.  For me it was almost 34 years Stephen was a part of me, flesh of my flesh, like an arm or leg.  When that was cut off, when that bond was broken, I couldn’t believe the void it leaves.  Like phantom pain in an amputated leg, I still feel as if he is here with us. 

            That’s when it happened.  I was in the bathroom getting ready for bed and I reached for the cup on the sink.  Suddenly my mind was filled with a voice I had heard many times before, nudging, whispering, but this time it was almost audible and so intense I froze as a statue.  The words poured into my mind so fast I could barely take them in.

            “The limb is NOT cut off,” the powerful voice said, “the bonds are not broken.  Your son is still your son and will be forever and ever.”  The words continued the voice so full of authority and yet compassion I had no doubt who was speaking.  “For eternity you will have that bond of mother and son.  Everyone loves much on this side.  All relationships are close, but your son will always be your son, flesh of your flesh.  You will always be his mother. 

            Now he loves you with no restraints, no restrictions, no encumbrances as it is on this side.  Some day you will be with him and you will have sweet communion with him forever and ever.”

            And ever and ever.  The words echoed in my mind as I got a glimpse of the glory waiting us.  Not by sight, but the feelings, I can’t explain how I felt.  Unexplainable peace washed over me and great love filled my heart.  Boundless joy erupted in my soul and I could almost see my son standing beside me with a big smile on his face. 

            I opened my eyes like a person waking from a trance and was surprised to find my arm frozen in mid reach for the glass.  I’m not sure how long I stood there, might have been seconds, but it felt like long minutes. 

            I had known that Stephen would forever be my son, that the bonds are not broken, but now it was stamped on my heart like a brand.  Somehow, the great wound there in my heart was cauterized by the hope I received that night.

            Is this a comfort since he is still gone from my life on earth?  In the day-to-day living, in no phone calls, in no cheery voice, no smiling dimpled face, no I love you Mom, no bone crunching hugs, no kiss on the cheek, no camping or hunting adventures, no looking forward to exciting visits, in the lack of a face-to-face relationship with my son, NO it really does not help.  I still miss him.  I still long to hear his voice and see his face.  He is not there to help his kids grow into responsible adults.  The pain is still there and the ache may never go away. 

            But in the whole large spectrum of life, from the aspect of eternity, YES!  Oh yes it comforts indeed.  I find it hard to find the words to explain this.  My heart hurts still, but there is such hope.  God gave me a glimpse of eternity that night.  For a brief moment He opened the door to Heaven.  So I could sense and feel what is and what is to come.  On Glory’s side.

            It is amazing to me that God would speak so surely, so plainly so strongly and there is more.  Later I was sitting on the couch replaying in my mind that moment, the feelings more than the words, and God brought to my mind one more thing.

            I was picturing Stephen in Heaven with his dad beside him, and this thought came into my mind. 

            “You not only have Stephen in Heaven but there are two more sons.” 

            Two more sons!  Suddenly I remembered my miscarriages, two of them after Stephen was born and both in the first two months of pregnancy.  I had not thought of them in years, not even when I read the book “Heaven is For Real” whereColtonmeets his sister he did not even know he had since she had been miscarried.  My own miscarriages had not even entered my mind then.

            Three sons! Oh my!  Moreover, they are all with their father.  How happy they must be.  Stephen always wanted a brother, or a sister would have been okay.  Now he has two!  Do they look like him?  Maybe one has red hair. 

            I can imagine Jim’s smile as he stands amongst his grown sons.  I can feel Stephen’s wonder in the brothers he didn’t know he had and how happy he is to be with his dad once again.  I can see all of their joy when Jesus walks and talks with them.  I can feel their love and reverence when they kneel before the throne of their Father God.

            How I long to be there with my children.  Children!  I have children!  John will be there too along with Jim, my sons, Mom and Dad, Joyce and all my friends and family.  Everyone loving much.  No restraints, no restrictions, no earthly encumbrances, no jealousies, no guilt, no regrets, no bitterness.  We will love as God created us to love and be as God created us to be. In sweet communion.  Together forever and ever!

Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people and God himself will be with them and be their God.  He will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.  He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!”  Rev. 21:3-5

Note:  Those of you, who know me, know this is not characteristic of me.  I am usually down to earth and practical thinking, not seeing visions or letting emotions run ramped.  That is one reason I know this was from God and of God.  It was a God moment.  And I am so thrilled and thankful He chose to let me see for a moment what it’s like on Glory’s side.

            I have one more thing I feel I should say:     There is much in this world to overcome.  Great trials, much hardships, terrible disappointments, overwhelming temptations, grave losses, but to those who overcome and follow God, to those who drink from the springs of His living water, to those who have washed their robes in the blood of Jesus, to those who believe in Jesus as the son of God who died for our sins, will be given the right to enter the gates of the city of God.      

 God says,  “I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End.  To him who is thirsty I will give drink from the spring of the water of life.  He who overcomes will inherit all this (Glory, Heaven)  I will be his God and he will be My son.” Rev. 21:6-7

            Oh to be a daughter of the living, all mighty God forever and ever. And those bonds will never be broken! 

            Jesus says,

            “Behold I am coming soon!  My reward is with me and I will give to everyone according to what he has done.  I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.

            Blessed are those who wash their robes, that they may have the right to the tree of life and may go through the gates into the city.

            Outside are the dogs those who practice magic arts, the sexually immoral, the murderers, the idolaters and everyone who loves and practices falsehood.

            I, Jesus, am the Root, the Offspring of David, and the bright Morning Star.”

            The Spirit and the Bride say, “COME!” And let him who hears say, “COME!”  Who ever is thirsty let him come.  Whoever desires let him take the free gift of the water of life.”  From Rev. 22:12-17

            Jesus says,

            “Here I am!  I stand at the door of your heart and knock.  If anyone hears my voice and opens the door I will come in and eat with him and he with me.”   From Rev. 4:20

            The door only has one door knob.  That knob is on the inside.  Only you can open the door of your heart to Jesus.             

            Will you open the door?  Are your robes washed in the blood of the Lamb?  Do you believe Jesus is the son of God who died for your sins?  And rose again to have victory over death?  Come drink from the spring of life open the door and be saved.  COME!

Posted in An encounter with the Living God, Comfort in Grief, Encouragement, God's presence, Loss of a child | 2 Comments

A Planting of the Lord

Posted on May 28, 2012 by Wendy Kleker

A PLANTING OF THE LORD

            “They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His spender.”  Is. 61:3

            “Beauty for ashes.” Have you ever seen a wildflower growing on charred, burned ground?  A bright jewel shinning amongst the blackened remains of a forest.  New life where there was only desolation and loss. 

            One time Jim, Stephen’s father, five year old Stephen and I went to a burned out area in the mountains to hunt for mushrooms to sell. The wildfire had been huge, taking out a whole mountain. Devastation surrounded us, nothing but black dusty ashes and burned out stumps.  At first we moved slowly, reluctantly moving into the depressing area where once had been tall firs, green undergrowth and lush grass. The sun bore down on the treeless mountainside making the heat unbearable.  Disgruntled, I sat down by a blackened log and pulled my water bottle out of my pack.  I was sure there was not a growing thing in this whole ruined wasted wilderness.

            Then a shout split the hot air, “I found one!” 

            A childish cry followed, “Here’s another one, Dad!”  The hunt was on.  The mushrooms were indeed there, hiding beneath the ashes, peeking out of the black dust, growing amongst the devastation.

            Hours later dragging a full five gallon bucket and almost over come by the heat, I staggered to the shade of a large black stump and sat down, not concerned about the soot that blackened my clothes. Soon a grinning Jim and Stephen joined me and I burst out laughing.  Their faces and hands were totally black.  White teethe and the whites of their eyes shone as they pointed at me and broke into peals of laughter.  There wasn’t an inch of us that wasn’t sweaty and black and dusty, but our buckets were full of mushrooms and we had found beauty in the ashes. 

            “Hey”, Jim said, pointing to the river far below, “bet we can find a place to swim down there”. 

            Beauty for ashes.  Wonderful things coming out of bad.  Growth were there is only devastation.  A planting of the Lord.  Seed sprouting and coming up where there is only dry desert. A dead tree springing to life.

            The tree in our yard was dead.  I was sure the cold and freeze of winter had killed its roots.  Only a small thing anyway, with spindly branches it was good for nothing, really. It gave no shade, drank water and was only in the way, so I told John to cut it down.  He didn’t and I fumed. 

            Dumb ole thing, it’s only in my way.  I should just get the chainsaw and take it out. After all it’s dead.”

            Then one day I noticed some buds on the stark bare branches.  Would they actually leaf out?  So I watered it and a few days later the buds were bigger.  Slowly I watched as the buds swelled and many days later began to unfold.  Now lovely green leaves grace those pitiful branches. 

            Like that tree my heart has been frozen in deep freeze.  Winter descended on my life, my roots stressed, my branches dormant, the sap drained out so that I would surely die.  It seemed life no longer flowed in my soul. 

            It seems I will hurt forever.  The pain is constantly with me and it becomes wearisome.   The loss inside leaves an emptiness. Even though I have peace, at times the emptiness threatens to overcome.

            Yet, I know spring will come.  The long, cold winter will pass.  My heart is not dead.  The sap will flow again. God’s love flows within me.  His love fills the emptiness.  My branches have small buds. 

            God waters and nurtures me back to the living.  If I allow Him to, He will heal my broken heart.  But I must let Him heal me, to work in my life.  I must allow him to nurture me, feed me, grow me with His enabling. 

            He will bring life from death.  Beauty from ashes. Good from bad.  Light from darkness.  Buds from a bare branch.  I am His planting. A tree planted by His waters.  My roots shall grow deep within Him and I will not be moved. 

            Like that little tree, which now I am so glad John did not cut down, I will once again leaf out.  I will be fruitful.  I will shine with God’s glory.  I will stand. I will sing. I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  He puts a song in my mouth.  I am not dead.  I will live.  I will flourish.  “A planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor.”

            “For as the earth brings forth its bud, as the garden causes the things that are sown in it to spring forth, so the Lord God will cause righteousness and praise to spring forth before all the nations.” Is. 61:11

GARMENT OF PRAISE

            Jesus says, “He has sent Me to heal the broken hearted, to comfort those who mourn, to give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.”  Is. 61:1-3

           When I am hurting the most, when it seems my heart is ripped in two and a dagger is thrust into my chest, when my knees are so weak I can barely stand and it seems the anguish will drive me insane, especially in times like these, I praise Jesus.

            Sounds crazy, I know, and sometimes all I can do is whisper, Thank you Jesus.  Then I can say, “Thank you Jesus for your love that never ends.  Thank you for your great comfort. Thank you for Your wings of shelter.  Thank you that my son is with you.  Thank you Jesus that he is right now with his dad.  Thank you Jesus for giving me John, and my grandkids and all my wonderful friends and family.”

            Then like a cloak surrounding me, covering me, warming me, peace enfolds my soul.  The terrible heaviness that seemed to squeeze the life out of my body lifts and I can once more breathe easy.  Praise is like a garment, a mantle that covers me and indeed lifts the heaviness.  I am no longer bowed down but can stand straight.  I no longer have weak knees but can walk.  I no longer stumble and fall but can soar on wings of an eagle.         

            Praise to all Mighty God, thanksgiving to my Savior dispels the spirit of despair, and lifts the heaviness that sits on my heart like an elephant. Joy seeps slowly into the very core of my being, flowing into every crack and crevice of my heart. The oil of joy flowing over my spirit comes from God.  Joy when there should be despair, deep and unexplainable, welling up in my soul, lifting my head, putting a smile on my lips.

How can this be?  This praise when my heart is so broken and I want to scream and rail and stomp?  This joy when despair fills my heart and I want to run and hide and never come out? 

            This garment of praise, which is like a cloak covering, warming protecting me from the spirit of despair comes only from Jesus.  He gives it to me when the pain strikes like a dagger in my heart.

            When I lost Jim, Stephen’s dad, God taught me about praising Him when things were at the worst.  That with praise my eyes are lifted off my circumstances and pain to His face.  My head is lifted, my knees are strengthened, my hand rests in the hand of God.  With praise and thanksgiving, I can accept what comes from the hand of God trusting all He does is for my and my loved ones good.  Praise brings trust and adoration and worship.  Most of all praise prepares the way for God to heal our hearts.

            If you remember a few months back, God reminded me of this and also taught me another principal about praise.  Here is a bit of what I wrote in “Soli Deo Gloria.  To God Alone be the Glory.”            

When we thank Him for something undesirable, we surrender completely to His will.  We lay our lives totally in His hands and say, “Whatever You do is okay.  I trust You.”  That opens the door for the peace that surpasses all understanding, thus contentment, to flow into our lives and for His love to begin a work of healing in our hearts.  

 I know this from my past, but now I see something else. As I stand on my mini-mountain top, arms spread wide, turning slowly in circles, taking in the gorgeous scene around me, scales are indeed peeled from my eyes and I see His glory.

 Thanksgiving is the gate to His courts.  With thanksgiving and praise I enter into His presence.  I was created to praise my Creator.  And praise Him I will!  Every minute of every day, in any circumstance, I will breathe thanksgiving to my God. 

            Or at least I will try.   

             I have come to understand that Praise and Thanksgiving are the keys to contentment, to joy, to happiness, to soaring, to victory, to seeing blessings in my life and to knowing God.  To being aware of the presence of God in my life at all times.

When I praise Him, I see Him. I know He is there and I bask in His glorious presence. There is, for the moment, nothing else.

            A few weeks before my son was taken from this earth and I was thrust in to one of the hardest times of my life, my amazing God not only reminded me of a once learned truth I would need to get through,  but also taught me something new.  That to praise Him is to see Him, to see His glory, to know His love, to be aware of His presence. 

            Now He tells me a new thing.  It’s in my heart, but how to put it into words?  This garment of praise Jesus gives me is actually His presence.  Praise makes me aware of His presence, the Holy Spirit, who enfolds me, surrounds me, encloaks me and lifts the heaviness from my heart.  He is, of course, always there.  The first few days after Stephen went to Glory, when I was hurting the worst, I could hear him whispering in my heart, “I am here.  Right here beside you.”  Praise makes me aware of Him, lets me see Him and feel His love.  My head is lifted, the spirit of despair is lightened, the pain eases.

            With praise I trust Him, through praise I see Him, by praise I am surrounded by His comfort.

            “Shout for joy O heavens, rejoice, O earth. Burst into song, O mountains!  For the Lord comforts His people and will have compassion on His afflicted ones.” Is. 49:13

           

Posted in Beauty for Ashes, Comfort, Comfort in Grief, Encouragement, Garment of Praise, life from death, New things, Praise, Thanksgiving, Trusting God | Leave a comment

THE LIGHT OF THE LIVING

Posted on April 20, 2012 by Wendy Kleker

THE LIGHT OF THE LIVING

“Listen to my prayer O God, do not ignore my plea: hear me and answer me.  My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught.”  Ps. 55:1-2

            Ps. 55—My heart is broken, shattered into a thousand pieces.  Much like the plate that broke on my counter, splintering into hundreds of tiny shards of glass.  “My heart is in anguish within me” Pain in my chest, suffocating heaviness squeezing my heart, sadness and sorrow overwhelming my spirit. 

            The terrors of death, my son’s death, something I thought I would never see, have fallen upon me. Fear and trembling have set upon me. Sometimes I am so afraid of what else might happen I feel I can hardly move.  The horror overwhelms me if I let my mind dwell there.

              Oh if I could just fly away on the wings of a dove, or a hawk, I would soar high into Heaven and be at rest with  my Savior and my son.  Or I would flee from the pain and never come back.  Yes, I would run into the wilderness, into the vast mountains and be lost, or become swallowed up by the great prairies.  Yes, if only I could run from this terrible storm, this great tempest of swirling winds blasting from every side, blowing against us so that we can barely stand.  If only I could run away and find a place to hide  from this violent whirlwind.

            But I will not run, I will not flee, I will not hide in a hole.  As for me I will call upon God, and He, my Lord and Savior will save me.  All day long, whenever I am overwhelmed I will pray to Him and will cry out and He will save me.  As he has done before many times. 

            I will cast my burdens on the Lord and He will keep me.  He will carry me, He will hold me, He will never permit me to be moved from the place He sets me.

            “My soul trusts in You, O Lord Most High.  I choose to trust You even though I don’t understand.  Whenever I am afraid I will trust in You. When confusion and darkness comes I will lean heavily on You.  I choose to trust You now and forever.  I will not be afraid.

            “I know You love me.  Your love for me has no ends, no boundaries, no conditions.  You know about my pain.  You see my tears.  You have cried such tears for Your Son.  You know my pain.  You see my tears.  You write them down, you keep them in a bottle, every one of them.  You know my pain.

            I will praise You!  For you have delivered my soul from death and my feet from falling.  That I may walk before You O God, in the light of the living.  In You my God I have put my trust. I will not be afraid.”

From Ps. 55:4-8, 16, 17, 22 , 56:3-4, 8

THE SIGN

“You have shown Your people hard things; you have made us drink the wine of confusion.  You have given a banner to those who fear you, that it may be displayed because of the truth.  That Your beloved may be delivered.  Save me Oh God with Your right hand.” Ps. 60:3-4

            Hard things, no doubt.  Confusion, definitely.  Stumbling in the dark. Groping my way.  So many questions.  So sudden was the strike of death.  It knocked me flat on the ground.  Shaken to the core.  The whole earth trembled as an earthquake.

            “Help me God! Show me a sign.  Show me it is okay.  Let me know You are in control.  Restore my world. Stop the shaking.  Let Your peace flood my soul.”

            A few days after I came home from Helena I walked out the back door.  The sky was covered with gray clouds, but I looked up and right above my head was a big circle of blue sky.  In that circle were two jet trails crossing making an X.

            For some reason, I thought X marks the spot. Is that where Stephan is now? Then I heard God whisper in my soul.  “He is here with me.  I am holding him tight in my arms.  He hurts no more.  He is free.”

            My spirits soared for a moment.  I was happy to know my dear son was in the arms of Jesus.  But, oh how I wanted to hold him just one more time and tell him once more that I love him.  “Oh God, please tell him I love him.”

            I saw the X move and become a +.  The clouds moved in so the arms were shortened into a perfect cross high in the sky, where God had marked the spot. My breath caught in my throat as I waited silently for God to speak.

            His soft familiar voce filled my mind, “I know your pain.  I know how your heart is breaking for I too lost my Son.  My heart also was broken, I know your pain.”

            Tears flooded my eyes as I cried, “But God you got our Son back!”

            “You will also, My child, you will have your son beside you in time, for all time.”

            Praise God!  Peace flooded my heart. God gave a sign.  His banner was unfurled and flown above my head.  The truth was spoken.  My son is forever with Him safe and secure.  It says in Ps.116:15 “Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints.”

            It IS okay.  God is holding all of us, Maci, Jacob, Julie, John, me, and even Stephen in His mighty hands.  He will fight for us and He will win.  Through God we will do valiantly, for it is He who will take care of our troubles. (from Ps. 60:12)

            “For my soul trusts in You and in the shadow of Your wings I will take shelter.  I choose to trust and to rest in You until these calamities have passed by.  And pass they will.  The storm always ends.  The sun bursts forth.  The rainbow of promise spreads across the sky.  You God will fulfill Your purpose in my life.”  (from Ps. 57:1-2)

“But as for me, I trust You, O Lord.  You are my God, my life is in Your hands.” Ps 31:14-15                                        

 From Ps. 60

 

Posted in Comfort, Comfort in Grief, Encouragement, God knows our pain, Loss of a child, Trusting God | 5 Comments

MY ROCK

Posted on April 7, 2012 by Wendy Kleker

THE SON BURSTS FORTH

THE DAWN HAS COME

THE SON ARISES

GONE IS THE DARKNESS

THE SON OF GOD LIVES

HE IS ALIVE!

HE WALKS IN MY HEART!

HE IS ALIVE!

Happy Easter Sunrise!

 

My ROCK

“The Lord is my Rock, my Fortress, and my Deliverer.  My God is my Rock in whom I take refuge.  He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my Stronghold. In whom I will trust.  

            I will call upon the name of the Lord who is worthy to be praised.”  (from Ps. 18:2-3)

            March 10th, 2012, in the wee hours of the morning, before the dawn, when the night was the darkest, Jesus carried my son Stephen Shimpei Sakaguchi tenderly in His arms to Heaven. 

            We don’t know what turmoil was in his heart that night or what confusion invaded his mind through alcohol, but we know that now, today, he is free.

            He had Jesus in his heart and he believed in a God who would send His only Son to die on a cross for his sins.  That God did not forsake him in his darkest hour.  That God did not leave him to his own devises.  No his God, my God, carried Stephen home. 

            Now my dear son walks and talks with Jesus every day!  He runs across the mountains that he loves so much with his dad, Jim.  He rides on the back of racing horses with his grandpa, Vern.  He walks in a lovely garden that has many flowers with his grandma, Gloria. He plays a game with his other Gramma, Jeanne and jokes with Grampa Hank,  He laughs with friends, cousins, aunts, and sings with many new family members. He worships his God on bowed knee and sings praises forever!

            My son, my son. Oh how shattered is my heart.  How many are the broken pieces. How empty my arms. 

            People ask me how I’m doing and this is what I want to say:

It’s hard but my God is harder.  He is my Rock!

It’s tough but my God is tougher.  He is my mighty Fortress!

I want to run away but my God runs faster.  He is my Deliverer!

I want to dissolve into a puddle of tears, but my God holds me in His hands.  He’s my strength!

I am scared of what else may come my way, but my God is in control, nothing can touch me that he does not allow.  He is my Shield!

My legs are weak so I can not walk, but my God stands beside me. I lean on Him.  He is the strength of my salvation.

I want to die inside, but my God keeps my spirit alive. He is my song!  He is my life! He fills me with love!  He is my joy!  He is my Stronghold! 

I will trust in my God!  All the days of my life.

            “I will call upon the Lord who is worthy to be praised.”  I will praise Him forever and ever!

            But that is so long and folks really don’t want to hear all of it, not only that words flow freely from my pen (or key board) but get stuck in my throat.  So I say, “It’s hard, really hard, but I have a Rock to lean on and my Rock carries me when I can’t go on.”

Here’s a thought from Friday, April 5:

            Walking in God’s strength. Riding on the wings of His peace.  Dwelling in His love.  Soaring on Praise. The only way!
            Can’t believe it’s been four weeks since my world turned upside down.  Funny, seems life should have stopped!  But it doesn’t, does it?  Time just keeps on going. Without my loved one.  Wait stop the world! I don’t want life to go on without him!  But it does. Doesn’t it? plodding day after plodding day. 

            Okay if it’s gotta go on then speed it up.  Make time go fast.  Zoom things up.  Fast forward to the time when I am going home.  Flying to Glory.  Seeing my son standing there arms outstretched, quirky grin on his dimpled face, saying, “It’s about time, Mom!”

            But then I can’t leave John so that can’t happen until he’s there too. All in God’s time.  Right?  God’s time. God’s hands.  God’s plans.  That’s the way we go.  Living each day as it comes for His Glory and nothing more, nothing less.  Living each day in His love. Nothing more, nothing less.    That’s all there is.  That’s all I need.  He’s all I need.       Praise God!

Saturday, the day before

            They have no name for this day.  The day our Savior was in the grave.  The day He went down to Hades and fought for our souls.  The day the disciples cried for their leader, their friend.  The day His mother wept for her Son. I wonder if the sun shone on that day.  Black Saturday I think I’ve heard it called.  Dark.  Bleak.  Hopeless.

            They didn’t know that in a few short hours the dawn would break forth!  The dawning of the ages.  The morning to beat all mornings!  The morning Jesus bursts from the grave!  Our Savior snaps the bonds of death and glorious light floods a dark world. The Light shines on our lives, in our souls!

 He IS ALIVE!

                        We don not know when the dawn will come, but come it will.  Darkness may fill your life today, but light will spring forth!  The storm always passes, the night comes to an end, the sun rises in a burst of glory! The dawn always comes.

            There is always hope.  God will do a new thing.  I will sing a new song.  I do not serve a dead Lord.  My God is ALIVE!  Hope springs forth from the grave!

            “He will light my lamp, my God will enlighten the darkness!” (Ps. 18:28)

He is ALIVE!  Rejoice!

He LIVES! Sing Praises! 

He ARISES above all evil! Thank You Jesus! 

He gives LIGHT in the darkness!  Hallelujah! 

He is the Deliverer!  Glory to God! 

He is the LOVER of my soul and the LIFTER of my head!  Praise be to God my Mighty Fortress! 

He is ALIVE!  REJOICE!

 

Posted in Comfort, Comfort in Grief, God is faithful, Loss of a child, Praise, Thanksgiving, Trusting God | Tagged | 5 Comments

Soli Deo Gloria

Posted on February 16, 2012 by Wendy Kleker

SOLI  DEO GLORIA

To God Alone Be the Glory

“I’d like to live on a mountain top, fellowshipping with the Lord”

 I love to stand on a mountain top cuz I like to feel my spirit soar!”

           I’m standing on a mountain, well in some folk’s eyes it would be a hill but it’s all relevant. Right?  That’s the scary thing.  I’ve lived inNorth Dakotaover two years now and on the prairies over 5, but now these surrounding buttes that are 3,000-3,500 ft high seem like BIG mountains.  Am I becoming a FLAT-lander! Oh my trees! Where?  What trees?

            So back to the story—no I’m not going to discuss the merits of being or not being a flat-lander.  Or that you can take the mountain woman outta the mountains but you can’t take the mountains out of the woman.  Once a mountain woman always a mountain woman-turned-prairie-prowler for the moment!  Anyway—-

            I’m standing on a high place, not the highest place around, but high enough that I can see for miles in most directions wide open spaces and emptiness.. 

            I raise my arms to the sky and cry, “To God ALONE be the Glory!”  A song bursts from my lips. “To God be the glory, great things He has done.”  I spread my arms wide in worship.  “Thou are worthy, oh Lord.”  Then a faster one, “I saw the Light, I saw the Light!”  My feet can’t help but dance a bit of a jig there amongst the red scoria. 

            I swung into a chorus I had known since childhood.  “Don’t think me poor or deserted or lonely, I’m not discouraged I’m Heaven bound.  I’m just a cowgirl,” putting my own spin on the familiar tune, I swing around, being careful not to dance myself off the pointy hill, “in search of a Valley.  I want a mountain, a horse and a hound! 

            “I’ve got a mansion just over that hill top.  In that bright land where we’ll never grow old.  And some day yonder, I will never more wonder, but walk on hills that are purest gold.” 

            I finish with a flourish of upraised arms and voice sailing to the sky.  “Praise You God Almighty!”

            I look at the dogs and they are both staring at me with wide eyes.  Maybe they think I’ve really lost it now, and maybe you think so too.  However, this singing and dancing is nothing new with me.  I often raise my praises to God through song, but always when it’s only God and my dogs, and maybe a coyote or two to see and hear. 

            Now I raise my eyes and survey the vista from my “mountain top”.  All around, in every direction, I see the glory of God.   The sun is low in the western sky and Sentinel Butte shines forth in all its glory, reflecting the sun on its rock faces and grassy slopes.  The hills around are golden and in the east they are pink.  The badlands shine with a pink and golden hallow of light. The sky is tinted a soft pink on all horizons, turning to bright blue straight over head. How can I not praise Him who so created?      

            Is this what Heaven is like?  Could I be getting a tiny peek of the vibrant colors and brilliant light of Glory?  Does praise take the scales off my eyes so I see really see the glory of God?  Does praise and thanksgiving open up a window into the very portals of Heaven? 

            “Enter His gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise, give thanks to Him and praise His name.” Ps. 100:4 

            I always thought this meant we were to go into His gates and courts with thanksgiving and praise, but does this make sense?  I mean do we actually enter His Heavenly courts while here on earth?  But maybe, just maybe this means thanksgiving and praise takes us through His gates and into His courts.  Or into His presence.  Through praise and thanksgiving I am aware of His glorious presence.   I see His light, I gaze on His face, I feel His touch.

             For the Lord is good!  And His love endures forever!  And ever!  His faithfulness continues through all generations!  (from Ps. 100:5)

            I’ve learned in the past how praise could help me to accept an intolerable situation and begins the process of healing.  How thanking God for something I did NOT want to thank Him for and did not see anything good in, when thanking Him anyway, enabled me to take my eyes off the situation and put  my focus completely on the Healer.

            “Sing and make melody in your heart to the Lord, giving thanks always for all things to God the Father.”  Eph. 5:20  “Be joyful always.  Pray continually.  Give thanks in ALL circumstances for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thes. 5:16-17

            IN all things.  FOR all things.  With joyfulness we are to give thanks. Even when we don’t feel thankful or feel like rejoicing.  It is an act of obedience, our sacrifice of praise.  God does not ask us to feel. Only to do.

            When we thank Him for something undesirable, we surrender completely to His will.  We lay our lives totally in His hands and say, “Whatever You do is okay.  I trust You.”  That opens the door for the peace that surpasses all understanding, thus contentment, to flow into our lives and for His love to begin a work of healing in our hearts. 

            I know this from my past, but now I see something else. As I stand on my mini-mountain top, arms spread wide, turning slowly in circles, taking in the gorgeous scene around me, scales are indeed peeled from my eyes and I see His glory.

            Thanksgiving is the gate to His courts.  With thanksgiving and praise I enter into His presence.  I was created to praise my creator.  And praise Him I will! Every minute of every day, in any circumstance, I will breathe thanksgiving to my God. 

            Or at least I will try.  I think it becomes a habit, a way of life, an unconscious act.  Unconscious, but yet very conscious, my spirit constantly communing with His Spirit.  Is this possible here on earth?  I think so to some extent.  Why else would He tell us so many times in the scriptures to praise the Lord.  To be jubilant.  To dance and play music to Him.  To ask with thanksgiving.  To Rejoice.  To “shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.  Worship the Lord with gladness.  Come before Him with joyful songs!”  And finally to be still and “know that the Lord is God”.  (from Ps. 100:1-2)

            I have come to understand that Praise and Thanksgiving are the keys to contentment, to joy, to happiness, to soaring, to victory, to seeing blessings in my life and to knowing God.  To being aware of the presence of God in my life at all times.

            When I praise Him, I see Him. Then when I am still, I know He is there and I bask in His glorious presence. There is, for the moment, nothing else.

            I stand on my mountain top with hands upraised, eyes taking in the gorgeous vistas, dogs watching my every move and I feel my spirit soar. Higher and higher it goes.

            Thank You God, for letting me see hills of gold!

            “Because your love is better then life, my lips will glorify you.  I will praise you as long as I live and in Your name I will lift up my hands.  My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods, with singing, my mouth will praise you.” Ps. 63:3- 5              

TO GOD ALONE BE THE GLORY

Posted in Encouragement, Heaven, Praise, Soaring on eagles wings, Thanksgiving, Trusting God | Tagged , , | 2 Comments